The following is a sponsored article from Girls Chase.
Greetings, Chase again. In my last article for Return of Kings, we discussed why to limit talk time with women you chat up or date. Unless you are talkative (and most guys aren’t), it’s easier to let the woman do the talking… and you do the evaluating.
In this article, part 2 of 4 in my series in advance of my new course “One Date”, we’ll continue to keep you in the ‘evaluator seat’. Yet the evaluation we’ll aim for this time is a bit different.
Every girl you meet has a mask on when you meet her. Call that her ‘public self’. She wears that mask out in public. However you meet her, it’ll be in public. The mask is for her audiences: you, her friends, her teachers and bosses, the general public of strangers all around her.
It doesn’t matter how you meet a girl. You can meet women…
- Through your social circle
- While you’re out running your errands
- Via nightlife
- Via a dating app on your phone
However you meet her, the first thing you’ll see is her public self.
Public selves come in different flavors. They can be haughty and bitchy. Or cliquish and disinterested. Many of them are sweet, considerate… and wholly asexual.
The one thing all public selves have in common is that they make women seem like either a.) asexual beings, or b.) ‘safely’ sexual beings… i.e., the sort that flirt with men for fun, yet never put out (cockteases).
If you want to get out of the asexual sphere, and successfully bed a girl, your first order of business is to get off her mask.
Past Her Public Self
Public selves are great for the public. Most men like them. All those guys who chase bitchy, haughty girls in nightclubs and on Instagram? They LOVE these girls’ public selves. How about when you fall for a sweet, pure girl, even before you know her very well? It is her public self you fell for.
What’s her real self like? It could be similar to the mask she wears in public. It might be wholly different. Every girl’s ‘unmasked self’, however, has things in common with every other girls’…
- It’s flawed, imperfect, and makes mistakes
- It’s sexual (and likes sex)
- It’s fearful (and worries and frets)
- It’s unsure about if it’s doing the right thing
These are things a woman has to hide. They’re not socially acceptable. They harm her social value, and attract undesirable individuals. Shlubby, dangerous men who view her as an easy, discardable whore. Ostracization by her peers, who view her as skittish, loose, or uncool. All this is avoided with a prim, proper, asexual public self.
The dating process, to large extent, is about familiarizing a woman enough to you to drop her mask around you. Once the mask is gone, you see her real self. More important: once the mask is dropped, she behaves like her real self – and indulges in all those improper things with you she can’t with men who only know the public her.
The Man With The Magnifying Glass
Last time we talked about probing women on their answers. She says she’s from Nantucket, you ask her why she moved here from Nantucket. She says it’s because there’s no future in Nantucket, you ask if she’s found the future she came here to seek.
As you dive into a woman’s background, you’ll learn more about her. Her public self does not extend into dreams and motivations. As you get into these, she reveals who she is – beyond her public poses. Once this starts to happen, you’ll want to do two things:
1. Approve of ‘real self’ aspects of herself she shows you
2. ‘Cut the bullshit’ on public self things she does
This might sound tricky… but it’s not. I’ll give you an example.
Say you talk to a girl who’s a waitress. And you ask her why she’s a waitress. And she says she loves to help customers and the job seemed like a fit. Bullshit answer, right? It’s a public self answer. All you have to say is “Yeah, okay. What’s the REAL reason you’re a waitress?”
When you cut the bullshit like this, what you really say is “I don’t care about your public self. I want to see the real Stacy Harper [or whatever her name is].” And if she likes you, she’ll tell you.
She will behave a little fearful and unsure as she tells you. You’ve taken her mask off, and she does not know how you’ll react.
When she shows you her real self, you simply approve. You don’t have to agree with her real self. You’re not going to agree with 100% of anyone else’s ‘real selves’. People adopt public masks for precisely this reason: to hide less agreeable aspects of themselves to not get disapproval from others. You don’t have to approve of the details of her answer; what you approve is the realness of the answer.
If Waitress Stacy tells you the real reason she became a waitress is because she couldn’t find a job after graphic design school and it was either go home or take any job she could to stay in town and keep applying to design firms, you approve. “Ah, I see. Now THAT’s interesting! What is it about graphic design you love?”
You may not approve of her career choice. You may think she should’ve gone home and applied to jobs online. It doesn’t matter… what’s important is to approve of the FACT that she opened up to you. The details aren’t important. The opening up is.
If you’re a detail-oriented guy… something to chew on: as you get to know her more, you will find out more and more about her. Often the things you find out later will gel with you a lot more than stuff you find out at front. Verbal language is an inefficient information transfer medium; it takes time to get the good stuff out.
The Better Part Of Valor
The other aspect to bringing out her real self is discretion. No matter how much of a charmer you are, if you force her to expose her real self in a public way, she’ll ditch you. This is why if you get sexual with a (properly primed) girl one-on-one where no one can see, she’ll get into it… but if you get sexual with her in public in front of her friends, she’ll act like an asexual prude and blow you off.
This applies to all aspects of her real self. If you want to get her public self mask off, you must do it in a non-public way. Here are some ways to do that:
- Intimate date locations (like a quiet café) where no one can see or hear you
- Moving her to sit with you away from her friends in bars or party venues
- Pulling her to a park or a coffee shop if you met her in public (shop, street, transit)
- Catching her in the hall instead of in the middle of the office or classroom
Think about it this way: if there is an audience around to watch, she will put on a show that appeals to the majority of the audience. Even if she knows you dislike her public self, and approve of her real self, if most of the people around her want to see her public self, she’ll be her public self.
Control the audience, and you control which side of the girl you see. Get her somewhere more intimate with you – where it is just you and her – and you make it easy for her to let her guard down with you.
Showing Her YOUR Real Self Too
You are also operating with a public self mask on. A big part of the courtship dance is about two people systematically lowering these masks to one another.
Flirtation is poking fun at a woman’s public self. When you tell her “Geez, I can’t take you anywhere”, for instance, you are either making fun of her public self (e.g., for acting haughty) or telling her her real self is showing (e.g., if she does something clumsy). Connection is about her sharing her real self and you sharing some of yours. Sex is the ultimate real self act (well… usually).
So let’s show you how to do this.
I have an information-packed video for you to check out just below. It’s on a phenomenon called ‘attitude similarity’ – which again, is one of these “sounds more complicated than it actually is” sorts of things.
The cool thing about similarity is the more a woman feels like your and her attitudes align, the more she opens herself up to everything with you. The other parts of the courtship – like her following your lead, or allowing you to turn her on – are dependent on similarity. If she does not feel similar to you, she will not follow you, and will keep her sexual shields raised.
Build similarity, and you reduce these defenses. She opens up, feels comfortable, and allows you to lead her… then, turn her on.
So have a watch of this video I’ve got for you over on Girls Chase (my website). It’s the first of four videos I’ll roll out over the next week or so. In this one, we talk what kind of similarity to build, and a couple of the more common mistakes men make, with both similarity and dating in general.
Once you start to build similarity this way, you’ll form quick connections with women – which makes everything ELSE you do with them a whole lot easier. Give it a watch:
And I’ll talk with you again soon, right here on ROK, in Article #3.