The Most Masculine Oldies Music

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Chances are you’re already familiar with the classic above, “Walk Like a Man” by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Besides being an absolute gem of 1960s rock, it contains some of the hardest-hitting, no-nonsense manly wisdom ever sung in a falsetto voice.

A son, frustrated with his absolute bitch-of-a-girlfriend turns to his father for advice.

But my good father said
“Give her up don’t bother
The world isn’t coming to an end”

He said it, walk like a man
Talk like a man
Walk like a man my son

No woman’s worth
Crawling on the earth
So walk like a man, my son

Like every other era of music, the catalog of so-called Golden Oldies (music from the 1950s and 60s) is jam-packed with milquetoast love songs (though admittedly at a time when that fantasy was probably more true than it is today). Despite this, you’ll find some loud proclamations of alpha-male commandments hidden among them if you pay attention.

 “Cash, Cars, and Bros Before Hoes.”

The Beach Boys were famously big on cars, surfing, and girls. Here, they make it clear what comes last in that order.

We always take my car ‘cause it’s never been beat
And we’ve never missed yet with the girls we meet

None of the guys go steady ‘cause it wouldn’t be right
To leave their best girl home on a Saturday night

“Women Come and Go. Don’t Overpay for Low Quality.”

Dads weren’t the only ones dropping wisdom. In this hit, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles get their knowledge from dear old mom.

And then she said, “Just because you’ve become a young man now
There’s still some things that you don’t understand now
Before you ask some girl for her hand now
Keep your freedom for as long as you can now
My mama told me, “You better shop around”

Just as sure as the wind’s gonna blow now
The women come and the women gonna go now
Before you tell ‘em that you love ‘em, so now
My mama told me, “You better shop around”

Try to get yourself a bargain, son
Don’t be sold on the very first one
Pretty girls come a dime a dozen

“Recognize the Value of Domesticity, Loyalty, and the Quality of Life a Woman Offers.”

In this tongue-in-cheek classic, Jimmy Soul presents the advantages of marrying an “ugly girl” over a vapid hot chick.

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So from my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

….

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her
Then she starts to do
The things that will break his heart.
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You’ll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She’ll always give you peace of mind.

“Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong.”

What do you do when you come home to find your house in disarray? Santana lays the smack down in this legendary call-out.

You’ve got to change your evil ways…baby
Before I stop loving you.
You’ve got to change…baby

This can’t go on
Lord knows you got to change…baby.

When I come home…baby
My house is dark and my pots are cold
You hang round… baby
With Jean and Joan [probably her slutty bad-influence friends] and a-who knows who
I’m getting tired of waiting and fooling around
I’ll find somebody, who won’t make me feel like a clown

“Go Where the Best Pussy Is. Keep Moving, If Necessary.”

We weren’t the first guys willing to circle the globe for quality girls and variety.

Oh well, I’m the type of guy who will never settle down
Where pretty girls are, well you know that I’m around
I kiss ‘em and I love’em ’cause to me they’re all the same
I hug ‘em and I squeeze ‘em they don’t even know my name
They call me the wanderer, yeah the wanderer
I roam around-around-around

Oh well, I roam from town to town
I go through life without a care
And I’m as happy as a clown

And when I find myself I’m a-fallin’ for some girl
Yeah, I hop right into that car of mine
I drive around the world
Yeah, I’m a wanderer, yeah the wanderer
I roam around-around-around

With the exception of a select group of rappers—who are quick to remind us to “Fuck Bitches, Get Money” and that “Bitches Ain’t Shit”—a significant percentage of music today is so nauseatingly weak that you have to flat-out ignore the lyrics. And, truth be told, most oldies weren’t much better.

So, the next time you need a break from all that noise, remember your masculine oldies.

Read More: The 10 Most Overrated Female Celebrities


About the Author

is a Columnist-at-Large at Return of Kings. His work has been covered by major media outlets such as The Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, Vice Magazine, The Daily Mail, and Yahoo Shine. He's also been profiled by BuzzFeed and The New Statesman. You can follow him on Twitter.

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