My son, Aidan, has just entered high school. He’s smart, slim, tall, good looking, and an accomplished musician. Like me at his age, Aidan doesn’t know jack about girls. My father was straight out of the Silent Generation; you know, the dudes who survived the Great Depression and beat the Nazis in WWII. Other than this observation, he never passed salient advice concerning the fairer sex to me:
The kind of stability you find with a good woman is like nothing you can find on your own, but the kind of instability you will endure with a real bitch is also like nothing you can create on your own.
His father, who was mostly absent in his life, died when he was eleven, leaving him lacking knowledge on how to relate to women on any level. He and my mother slept in separate beds my whole life. I was one of three, and if my parents could figure out how to copulate twice and have three kids, years apart, they would have done it. My mother was a good homemaker, which was paramount to my father since in the 1930s, he was the original latchkey kid.
In any event, he had no advice for me as a young man, which meant I had to learn about girls the hard way. Undoubtedly, this led to some ugly experiences which, in retrospect, were entirely avoidable.
I did marry a beautiful, educated, stable, and successful woman who is an executive for a Fortune 500 company, allowing me the freedom to do whatever I please. We have two boys, one of which is climbing into adulthood. The conversations I have now with my 14-year old initially sprang from the ground like weeds in the spring. I knew it was coming, I just didn’t think so soon.
Recently, I compiled a list of points I discussed with my son in attempts to guide him through the trenches of modern relationships. Here they are…
1. Don’t date a girl who can fit into your jeans
When you grab some ass, you don’t want to grab beefcake. A properly sized woman’s ass is a thing of beauty. I don’t subscribe to the growing trend that big asses on women are desirable. Apart from the fact that a fat ass is a sign of an overindulgent pig with no self control, big cabooses just aren’t visually appealing, and they’re downright frightening when unclothed.
What comes along with big toilets is inaccessible buttholes. Now, I know what you are thinking, but you’re wrong. I’m not into that, nor should you. If a women’s butthole is buried between two loaves of blubber, the difficult access makes proper cleaning after normal bowel movement next to impossible.
2. Drama is for the stage
There are woman who love drama. They find conflict in everything and make your daily life miserable. Drama queens should be avoided at all costs. Once, after returning from the grocery store, my girlfriend at the time saw that I had purchased tuna fish. Recently, she had seen a film showing dolphins being snagged in tuna nets.
“How could you buy tuna with what they do to dolphins?” she exclaimed.
“What about the tuna?” I asked. “The nets are there to catch them.”
“But the dolphins are innocent,” she sobbed.
“So why not just eat dolphin?” I offered.
“Because their brains are as big as ours,” she explained.
“Well, if they were so smart, why can’t they avoid a tuna net?”
She really didn’t care about dolphins, or the natural world for that matter. She had gone to a six month “beauty school” to be a “nail artist,” so there probably wasn’t any natural science in the curriculum. She just wanted to argue, so argue we did, about everything and nothing. Eventually, I broke up with her because what I was getting wasn’t worth enduring the daily, inane commentary.
3. If they think they’re a loser, they most definitely are
Some woman will go beyond drama and delve directly into insanity. They constantly bring up their “struggles” with mental illness. The pop singer Demi Lovato is one of these nutjobs. As a judge on American Idol, Lovato openly discussed her anorexia, bulimia, cutting, depression, and OCD.
It’s not that I don’t feel bad for these people who are struggling with everyday life. It’s just that I’m not a psychologist trained in dealing with women who will puke up a perfectly good steak. Men should avoid these pity parties because they are a deep hole of despair that eventually turns on them. If you do date a chick who’s insane, you’ll spend a lot of time listening to her bitch about her mother, after which at some random time, the whack job will break up with you to boost her own self esteem.
4. You should be having fun all of the time
Women often say that “relationships are a lot of work.” Sometimes, cucks like Ben Affleck will thank their wife for “working on their marriage.” If any relationship requires a lot of maintenance, then get out when you still can.
When you’re young, especially in high school, you should be having fun all the time. Things can get tough when it’s 3AM and you got two kids puking simultaneously, the mortgage and taxes are due, and you got to get up in the morning to give a presentation to the CEO and his leadership team. Now that’s a lot of work. When you’re young, have fun, and lots of it. If it’s complicated, hit the silk.
5. One in four teenage girls have a sexually transmittable disease
In 2008, the Centers for Disease Control released a year-long national study that indicated a quarter of girls in the age range of 14 to 19 have either human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, genital herpes, or trichomoniasis, a parasite chiefly affecting the urinary tract. If that isn’t enough to scare a young man’s fly up, the study reported that 15% of the girls racked up two of these wondrous maladies.
Unless you want to spend the rest of your adult life buying ointments, men should be very careful where they insert their John Thomas.
6. Tattoos are blazes on the trail of doom
In my day, the only women who got tats were biker chicks, and they kept it to a minimum. Maybe a small rose on their ankle. The other day, I saw a young teenage girl with “Death Before Dishonor” written in old English, arching across her chest. I wondered what it took to get into a state of mind where she thought this was a good idea.
Tattooing words on your body is dumb because I’ll bet the guy doing the inking isn’t likely an English professor, which means he’s probably going to make a grammatical error. Apart from editorial concerns, tattooing words on one’s body is stupid because there isn’t anything which you would want to read for the rest of your life, over and over again.
I find tattoos in general unappealing because they’re like the long hair I had as a teenager. Sure, I looked stupid and eventually I figured that out, then got a decent haircut. With tattoos, it’s pretty much permanent unless you don’t mind a whole lot of pain to remove it.
7. Never listen to tales of the last guy
On a first date, don’t talk about your last girlfriend, and don’t listen to stories of the douchebag she just broke up with. A new relationship should be about the future, not the past.
8. Know that the laws are written against you
In most states, if physical contact between adolescents occurs, the boy is charged with a crime. In general, the law treats girls as innocent, asexual beings and boys as though they are budding sexual predators. The problem with this is that it’s wholly wrong.
A friend of mine who works as a middle school math teacher says the boys are interested in playing video games while the girls are concerned with sex. This newly discovered girl power, coupled with the desire to rebel against their parents, causes young girls to sexually experiment. They almost always let their parents in on their activities, which leads to accusations of sexual harassment against boys. Boys need to protect themselves, especially today with the #MeToo witch hunt in full steamroller mode.
9. Find a woman who spends a lot of time with her father and also has a good relationship with him
Most fathers abandon their princesses once they go through puberty. Her physical development causes her father to distance himself from his daughter. Just when girls need their fathers to help guide them into adulthood, they get dumped for the first time. This causes young girls to become bitter as they get rejected by the first man they adored. Girls mentally grate against their mothers which is why they leave the nest when they mature.
If a teenage girl has a close connection to her father, she will respect his opinion and advice, which will keep her from becoming a tattooed, lunatic whore.
10. When things end—and they will—exit with your pride
In an episode of The Simpsons, as Lisa is getting married, she and her mother are discussing sex. They both agree that Millhouse “didn’t count.” In a flashback, Lisa breaks up with Millhouse as he cries like a pussy.
Young people can often get very upset over breakups, which is why they have such a high suicide rate. You have to keep your head on straight when you part company. The important thing to remember at the close of any relationship is that some crap is going to purge from your life as well. It’s not like you’re sick or injured. You can just start over today.
Some people think that it’s not that easy, but it is. Breaking up with a girlfriend is far easier than extracting from a marriage, especially when there are kids involved. Once its done, move on, and don’t look back.
There are no guarantees in life, but having skills and knowledge will certainly make navigating relationships easier. Game is not about gaining skills to boff a string of Slavic bimbos; it’s about crafting yourself into a dominant male with which the highest caliber women will want to procreate. If you think it’s something different, then ask yourself what advice would you give your son.
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