The average white-collar man spends eight hours a day and five days a week slaving away in his office, department, or cube farm, and in-between the endless rows of soul-dead man-boys, he can find some young, lush, and nubile babes. Don’t lie and claim you aren’t checking them out.
Unfortunately, thanks to third-wave feminism, #MeToo, and a litany of manufactured “isms,” your masculine instinct to ask your female co-worker on a date could easily become a career-ending move. In the Clown World that is the modern American corporation, these “isms” hold powerful sway in the HR departments that hold the keys to the kingdom. They are glorified shariah courts, and fat girls, feminists, and bluehairs are their mullahs. One wrong move? Off with your evil white Christian male head!
So how can you bag and tag that hottie who always wears tight dresses to flaunt her assets? How can you chase these girls and fulfill your God-given duty to fornicate with beautiful women? Answer: you must make the girls chase you. Here’s how…
1. Be Discrete
Worried about dipping your pen in the company ink? Putting men and women together in the same room for eight hours a day, five days a week makes the spark of attraction inevitable. While most companies have rules regarding employee relationships, they generally tolerate them, with most policies managing supervisor/non-supervisor affairs. You just need to be smart about your torrid office romance.
For starters, when talking to your beau, never use any form of communications that involves your company. For example, don’t exchange love notes via your employee email addresses. Texting on your own phones? Go for it, but make sure you don’t send any messages that would fail the Jumbotron test, and save everything just in case. How about lunch? How relaxed is your office? If it’s chill, eat in the break room together. If not, go out. Keep your relationship on the down-low and no one will care.
2. Dress—And Act—Like Your Own Man
Before you charge out the gate like an average chump, take stock of yourself and what you have to offer. In particular, take a look at your wardrobe. Most ‘men’ in the office don’t even dress in snappy attire, preferring badly-fitting slacks, poorly-chosen ties, and sneakers. Sneakers! With slacks! Even worse, in some companies, the dress code is so casual that shorts, flip-flops, and eating cereal at your desk are either the norm or quickly becoming it.
That’s how my cube farm operates. As I started my Matrix/Neo-like awakening, I knew coming in one day wearing a three-piece suit was just too much, since I was a jeans guy. So how did I transform myself?
First, I took a look at who I was. I’m outdoorsy, I ride horses, and I like camping. That meant no more $30 hiking boots, worn-out jeans, or stupid T-shirts. Over time, I purchased nice cowboy boots, good Wrangler jeans that I never let get worn out, and nice classic Western snap shirts. But what really pulled it together? Crazy as it sounds, it was the nice, not-too-flashy belt buckles. No cowboy hat. Never go full in. Ever.
Over time, my wardrobe expanded: sports jackets that matched, a tan ball-cap with a flag, and so on. I am known by a lesbian informant in a female-heavy department as “the really handsome cowboy.” I went from safe, cheap, slovenly, immature, and nondescript to masculine, matured, serious, and noticed.
After dressing the part, you have to learn how to walk and talk the part. So much of the man-boy mentality intrudes into modern male life that most men even walk that way: short, nervous strides, or slow but sloppy strides, head down, looking at their cell phones. It’s weak and cowardly and that is what you are projecting to these bouncy babes you dream of bagging.
You need to walk like a man. Good strides, purposeful, hands empty of cell-phones, arms swinging, head looking up, and comfortable. When people pass—the babes most especially—you briefly and confidently lock eyes and smirk. Do not smile. Smirk, say hello, and move on. Watch any Bruce Willis movie to learn how to smirk the right way.
The trick to all of it is framing your mind. When you walk, you are not the man-boy who is busy thinking of insufferable man-boy Will Ferrell movie quotes. In your mind, you are the VP of the company going from point A to B. Your body will follow as you are now projecting confident, mature, masculine, and comfortable energy.
Your cubicle must follow as well. Into movies, video games, and sportsball? Get rid of that garbage ASAP. Clean your cubicle. Take down your sportsball team pennant and those utterly ridiculous Funko Pops I see around. Remove your ironic and in-joke coffee mugs. And learn to dust! Your current cubicle projects a weak, cowardly, and sloppy little man-boy.
Put up one or two nicely-framed pictures. For example, I have a framed pic of me riding a horse and another of my squad in the Army about to board a helicopter. Masculine. Remake your cubicle as you have remade yourself: confident, comfortable, clean, and neat, but above all, masculine.
3. Engage In Short But Frequent Bursts Of Interaction
Now that you’ve made it this far, how do you interact with that crazy-hot redhead (or other girl you have your eye on)? Turn a corner and almost bump into her? Don’t panic! Control your frame, lock eyes, smirk and say “excuse me.” Then you turn away first and continue on. Never look back.
Standing in line for coffee or at the vending machine? Lock eyes, smirk, and confidently ask her, “what looks good to you today?” You are in control. Chit-chat, smirk, get your item, then a simple “bye” is sufficient.
Taking part in a team-recognition event? Do the same: lock eyes, smirk, say hello, be confident, chit-chat, and leave. Never linger. After enough practice and interaction, the time will come when you and a group of co-workers will go to a bar after work. That is the time to linger, to really talk rather than chit-chat. But always stay in frame. And then the phone number comes. But that’s for another time.
In short, make yourself worthy of being chased by women and set yourself apart from the rest of the males in your office. Realize that most of them are man-boys. Make yourself an island of maturity and masculinity in a sea of man-boys. Frame yourself confidently and interact with girls with confidence, and they will come.