Maybe you’ve sworn off ever getting married, but you’re still getting invited right and left to the weddings of your friends and family. Instead of being that asshole who tries to dissuade your friend from getting hitched, better to wish him luck and arm him with the tools ensure he will live happily ever after. And hey, there’s no reason to limit it to your male friends – you’d want the same for the man marrying your daughter. Set them on the good and righteous path of marital bliss.

 Child Paternity Test Voucher

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There may be no children yet, but you want to ensure that amidst all the fracas of childbirth in the future, he knows he’s the father. Hell, he may even object to verifying his wife’s fidelity (“PUSSY!”). Spare him from making that decision, and simply pay his way for a paternity test in advance for his first-born.

A Paddle

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You may think that a wife ought to get slapped around disciplined and conditioned on the regular, that pain well-applied begets marital bliss. Good luck persuading the groom of that – odds are he’s a pussy, and there’s little you can do to change that. Instead, give him a paddle. It may go unused at first, but curiosity will get the best of them as it lies on their mantle, beckoning to be used, “just once, to see what it’s like.” A little spanking could have her worshiping the royal scepter in no time.

Bonus: If the man is such a bitch that he ends up getting hit with it, you have earned favor in God’s eyes, for delivering punishment on such an abomination of man.

A Personal Lecture From Dr. Robert Lustig

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Sugar meets women’s liberation

Lustig is a medical researcher who has declared sugar toxic. He’s internet famous for a YouTube video declaring as much, an impressive feat considering that the video is an hour and a half. The harsh words of Lustig will help to scare her straight from a life of iniquity replete with cupcakes and cronuts. And the groom will be forever indebted to you for his wife’s tiny waist and firm ass.

An All Expenses Paid Honeymoon to the Wichita Falls Athletic Club

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Bitches love it when Mark lets it Ripp

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Missing: 180 lbs on the bar

You worship at the altar of Mark Rippetoe, author of Starting Strength. And as penance for your pathetic sub-1000 lb squat numbers, you put the couple on a pilgrimage to Wichita Falls. You’re a cheap fuck, and only pay for the essentials for her, the squat and the deadlift instruction. But that’s okay, because all she needs is good posture, a tiny waist and a fat ass anyway; leave the broad backs and pink dumbbells to the tomboys and the flat-assed yuppies. And she won’t do just any squat, but the low bar back squat done well past parallel, and heavy, for maximum ass growth. If the groom is not a big booty luvr, Rippetoe will go apeshit on him and Bert stare him until he becomes one. Not to worry, as a man gets bigger and stronger, his appetite for the Brazilian-sized bunda swells exponentially.

Free Prenup Consultation

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Save this for the engagement party actually. Find a local attorney with experience in writing prenuptial agreements for breadwinners, i.e. men. Attorneys often offer free consultations anyway, but pretend you paid for it, so your friend feels pressured to use it, and not just let it go to waste. There’s no better salesman for pre-nups than the man who writes them, so you’re putting your duty to preach the pre-nup gospel in the hands of a pro.

The Hapifork

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Conceived by the Chateau and created by a Frenchman, the Hapifork vibrates when the user starts shoveling food into her maw too quickly. For those times when she’s hoovering up cheesecake en masse, the Hapifork will vibrate violently, alerting her to “slow the fuck down, woman.” If she’s been trained well, every time the fork vibrates, she will burst into tears and run to the altar of the squat rack to repent for her gluttony.

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