I have a hot female friend I’ll call Anna. Anna is blonde, sexy and mysterious. She’s a blogger and content creator and has a lot going for her besides her looks, being intelligent, creative, a singer and so on. The other day Anna was messaging me about this guy Rodri she knows.
‘I just can’t stop thinking about him,’ she said. ‘I’ve never known anyone to be so blase before.’
Apparently Rodri had been in the friendzone with Anna for a few years. They’d worked together on music. Then he’d disappeared for a bit. When he came back he was different.
‘He had a different attitude,’ Anna said. ‘He intimidated me a little bit.’
This renewed mojo sparked attraction in Anna. They spent around a week together as some cheesy quasi-couple, going on trips to the park and making out. But no sex. Rodri had a kind-of girlfriend, so things were complicated.
Anna gave Rodri a blowjob one night, but when it came to the moment for D in V he was unable to perform. Maybe it was the drink, maybe it was nerves. Anna didn’t really know. But whatever. She made it clear she wasn’t bothered, and prepared to give things another try next time.
They spoke on the phone every night, met up in the daytime once or twice. They even arranged a night out together. And then . . . nothing. Rodri had disappeared.
‘I don’t understand it,’ Anna said. ‘I just can’t understand what his problem is.’
Now Anna is not a girl who is used to guys flaking on her. Quite the opposite. Usually they become obsessed and won’t leave her alone, sending her flowers and chocolates and badly written poetry. But this guy, this Rodri, had the temerity not to fall in line. And as a result she was obsessing over him.
You might assume that Rodri pulled back out of embarrassment over his little erectile disfunction episode, but I don’t think it was that. I think Rodri simply isn’t that bothered about Anna. He has another girl, after all. Something else going on. His mind is already occupied. And predictably, Anna is drawn in as though by some powerful magic.
This illustrates something I’ve been thinking a lot about recently: the power of detachment. Basically, the more detached you can become from the women in your life, the more attractive you will be to them. Detachment is a subtle tool, harder to utilise than a blunt instrument such as a ‘soft next’, but if you get the hang of it then it will benefit both you and your relationship with your girl.
I have written before here about the power of the ‘soft next’. This is where you withdraw your attention completely from a woman for whatever misdemeanor she has committed, typically between four and seven days.
Without any doubt, soft nexts work. Girls who are used to the validation you provide them with are shocked when it is removed. They feel withdrawal effects markedly, and worse, as you will not communicate with them they have no idea when, or if, the soft next will end.
This rallies them into action. You will start receiving texts, Facebook messages, calls and so on. And when you finally do see her again you are likely to end up having wild sex.
However, there are drawbacks. ‘Soft nexts’ are blunt instruments. They are obvious. Women know what you are doing. They may resent you for it. And your actions may well come back to bite you in ways you don’t expect.
Detachment is different. Detachment is not the sledgehammer blow that soft nexting is. Instead, it is a subtle removal of investment in her that is implied rather than explicit.
In order to properly detach from a women with whom, say, you have oneituis for, what you must do is first make the decision to detach. Spend some time writing about your relationship with her, about the ways in which her behaviour unsettles or annoys you. Then decide there and then that you are going to detach.
Another useful exercise recommended by Melody Beattie, the author of Codependent No More (amongst other books), is to write a list of those things you would and wouldn’t be doing if you weren’t spending your time and mental energy fretting about this girl and trying to control her.
Once you have your list then follow it: do the things you would be doing—perhaps working out more, working more on your business and so on—and stop the things you wouldn’t be doing, like checking your phone every two minutes, looking at when she last logged into Facebook and so on. Physically writing the list down will really help you to maintain focus.
After that, detachment really comes down to the changed manner in which you handle the relationship. This gets increasingly more difficult if you are married or if you live together, although it is never impossible to detach. All you have to do is subtly place more importance on your life and what you are doing, and less on hers. Once you make this mindset shift then it will be reflected in every aspect of your demeanour and behaviour.
If you don’t live together then it may be as simple as the way you message her. If you were previously in the habit of messaging one another every hour or so then you will cut that out for a start, as you will have other, more pressing things to do.
The content of your messages will also alter. Rather than questioning and cajoling, fishing for compliments and validation and otherwise trying to control her behaviour, instead you will instead take a far more neutral tone. Texts will be more functional. You won’t ignore her or seek to shut her out, you will always remain polite, but the neediness that was evident beforehand will have dissipated. Your new mode of contact will be commensurate with what you are—a busy man with other or better things to do.
By making a conscious effort to detach mentally and emotionally from any girl you are seeing, particularly one who is causing you trouble, you will save yourself a hell of a lot of emotional pain and, counter-intuitively, make her hotter for you than she was before.
And remember, the ‘ideal alpha’—if such a man really existed—would be the most detached in the world. Because when you have multiple options, and multiple sexual opportunities, then why would you ever get bent out of shape over one girl?
Want to find out how jerks and badboys get the hottest girls? Read Troy’s latest book How To Be An Asshole
Read More: How Most Relationships End