She was the roommate of my good female friend. She had that blonde, girl-next-door kind of look. She’d also grown up in a town close to me. I’d hung out with her in a group a couple of times, went to a concert with her once (very casually), and then eventually we ended up going to the beach together one night.
I was one of the cool kids who had his own car, a rarity for a freshman in college. That car could have gotten me so much pussy if I’d just known what I was doing. Just being able to drive off-campus is huge value to girls who are always cooped up in the same small dorm room talking to the same people all the time.
Anyways, that night at the beach, I’d still never kissed a girl in my life, and was nearly 19 years old. I distinctly remember, as we walked on the beach with the waves crashing on the shore, her hand brushing mine a half dozen times. Of course now I realize that was a clear indicator of “TAKE MY HAND YOU CHICKEN SHIT!”, but 18-year-old me just thought it was an accident. We sat down on the pier and looked out at the Pacific Ocean. It was closing in on midnight, and we were the only souls on the beach.
She sat right next to me and brushed her thigh against mine for good measure. She looked right in my eyes and held the eye contact. I saw the glimmer in those big blue eyes. And I looked away. The next time I looked back the look on her face had changed drastically. I know now. The desire vanished, just like that. She saw me for what I was—a coward. The glimmer was gone.
I never saw her after that
In hindsight, I’m shocked that she even returned my texts at that point (this was 2009, so before the social media attention whoring took the nation by storm). My attempts to get her out to see me again were futile, but this story has a bit of a happy ending.
I did see her three years later, when I picked her up in my new car, after I’d gone through my game transformation and was living the life. I botched the kiss on the beach and seemed destined to die a virgin, but I did figure things out.
I got a girlfriend, she ended up being crazy, and was the true catalyst for my blog and work, but I did get the “no kiss” monkey off my back (though it still took years to lose my V card). But after that happened, I got on a roll with the ladies. That was around the time I finished school, got the hotshot job making good money, and bought a sexy new Mustang. After I’d been with my fair share of girls, I somehow ended up in touch with her again.
I sent her a message. I think she liked a few of my photos where I was showing off my new life. I was confident in my newfound texting and game abilities, and it was almost too easy to get her out on a date. I picked her up in the Mustang (“Wowwwwww, you’ve moved up in the world…”), and we went to the local pub and pizza spot near the beach.
I never made a move. Again. But this time, it wasn’t a lack of fear. This time, I was able to actually think outside of the pressures of trying to kiss her, and I realized something: we had absolutely zero chemistry to begin with.
We got along fine, but that spark that makes you and drives you to make a move on a girl was totally missing. I don’t know what it was, but in that moment I understood that there are girls you just click with and some girls you just don’t (even if they’re cute as a button).
I stopped beating myself for that failure in the years before, and was able to let go of it. Yes, I should have made the move regardless of chemistry, but I was able to make peace within myself. I beat myself up because I thought that if I’d made a move on the beach, I might have banged her within a few weeks. As a result, I would have been relieved of all the pressures of girls for most of my college career, and would have had much more fun (and many more girls) as a result.
I realized that sometimes you are better off letting a girl go. In her case, I’m fairly certain she found a long-term relationship, and I believe they’re married now (or at least engaged). Hopefully she eventually has the family she always wanted, and finds happiness in her life. I am at peace with having not tried, and peace with myself for not understanding women when I was younger.