It’s getting to be that time of year again, where holiday trees soon will go up in honor of Santa. It’s now less than two months from the winter holidays, and you know what that means: shopping! If you’re scratching your head, figuring out what prezzies to get radical leftists for Xmas or whatever they’re into, I have some excellent suggestions.

Gifts for feminists

Feminists are never happy, and much of their eternal grouchiness results from profound sexual frustration. Understandably, it’s hard to get much action when their hair is buzzed short and dyed neon colors, their faces are all pierced up, their skin is covered in bad tattoos, and they’re addicted to Ben & Jerry’s. Worse than all the above combined is their miserable attitudes.

They need a good sex toy to jump-start the joy. For a garden-variety type who still believes that feminism is all about equality (which hasn’t been true since the mid-1950s), a slim six inch vibrator will suffice. For a granola-munching vegan merely carrying feminism in her ideological grab bag, go organic with a cucumber. For a women’s studies professor, though, you’ll have to splurge a bit. She’ll need an extra-strength clit blaster running on 480V three-phase power. When Ms. Feminist’s toes have been curled sufficiently, then she’ll be able to drop the ‘tude and begin rejoining the ranks of normal humanity.

Gifts for black radicals

BLM has been given carte blanche to destroy cities and attack police, like they did in this scene in Baltimore

Got some pals in BLM? Surely they’d love to get far away from American cops who they believe are gunning them down for no reason. Further, it’s always a good thing to get in touch with one’s ancestral culture, right? I have the perfect solution.

Give them a trip to Africa. Since they’re suffering from White oppression, send them to an all-Black country of their choice: Liberia, Uganda, Rwanda, Zimbabwe, whatever suits their fancy. Problem solved! In these tropical paradises, the weather is never lousy like Harlem, Chicago, Baltimore, or Detroit. Since they’ll be delighted to stay in these beacons of human rights governed by their own people, make it a one-way ticket.

Gifts for Antifa

This domestic terrorist outfit is well-known for using improvised weapons: household chemicals, bottles filled with cement, fireworks, even used tampons. Well, all that’s a little second-rate for armaments, don’t you think?

It’s time for them to start using real manufactured weaponry. The cartoon series Road Runner showcased a wide variety of fine, military-grade hardware: rockets, explosives, you name it. You need only send your Antifa friends the Acme Corporation product catalog; their buddy Doctor Evil will spot them the dough to purchase all the top-quality goods.

Gifts for Hispanic radicals

Contrary to their citizenship oaths (for those who bothered to arrive legally), radical Hispanics wish to take over the American Southwest and secede. After that, they’ll turn “Aztlan” into a place just like they left, of course. There are a couple of problems here. First of all, there are too many liberals in California, who they can’t get rid of because they’re paying all the taxes for the lavish welfare benefits they enjoy. Second, secession didn’t work out too well in Southeastern states a while back, so why do they think they’ll do better in the Southwest? Conducting a second Pickett’s Charge armed with leaf blowers is too risky. Fortunately, I have a better idea.

What they really need are better Latin American countries; then invading and dismembering another nation would be unnecessary. Currently, governments south of the border are usually run by corrupt plutocrats who don’t give a damn about the public (not an uncommon problem in the Western world too.) These kleptocracies don’t provide social services; they don’t have a middle class tax base to strip-mine for “income redistribution” like over here. Their plutocrats rely on immigration to the USA as the economic safety valve that keeps the impoverished masses from overthrowing them. For decades, our own plutocrats have been okie dokie with this arrangement; the Democrats want more bloc voters, and the Republicans want the cheap labor.

Send your radical Latino pals the economic writings of G.K. Chesterton and Hilaire Belloc, preferably in Spanish. Distributism will create healthy local-based economies in their countries of origin, eventually allowing them to get the crooks off their backs. Besides, they’ll need some reading material for a one-way bus trip back to where they belong.

Gifts for globalist billionaires

Now that we’re wrapping things up with the Milky Way, it’s time we planned our leveraged buyout in the Andromeda Galaxy.

These guys are so bored that they fill their empty lives with extremely weird pursuits and destabilizing countries for funsies. What can you get for someone who’s richer than God? I have just the answer.

The motivational classic Who Moved My Cheese? will be a big hit. Some of them may have sent this to their own employees as a little parting gift during a “reorg”, “downsizing”, “rightsizing”, “offshoring”, or whatever they want to call canning thousands of people who actually got the job done. Some plebeians considered that sort of thing rather insulting—as Dilbert creator Scott Adams put it, a “patronizing message for the proletariat to acquiesce”—but some of the big shots likely haven’t read it themselves.

This might help to adjust their attitude after they’re thrown off the gravy train. That’s quite likely if the USA gets hip to Distributism too, as well as closing their special tax loopholes. For those who’ve been especially ambitious in screwing the public for personal profit, also include Who Moved My Soap?: The CEO’s Guide To Surviving Prison.

Gifts for Social Justice Warriors

SJWs are the lowest of the low on the radical totem pole. They have no real lives, are often batshit crazy, and want to welch on their massive loans for that gender studies Ph.D. Their approach to activism involves posting memes on Tumblr and screaming “Check your privilege!”, somehow believing this improves the world. I have the stocking stuffer just for them.

The gene pool needs a stiff dose of chlorine about now, and these “useless eaters” are (undeservedly) living proof. Help them permanently reduce their carbon footprint to zero by giving them a copy of suicide how-to book Final Exit.

Read More: 7 Recommended Products For Your Butthurt Liberal Friends

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