Our current society is over-sexed, beyond any shadow of a doubt. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not immune to it, either. I’ve simply come to understand much of the problem and mass epidemic of garish sexuality that plagues the west right now, and it’s affecting absolutely everybody.
Everything today is overtly sexual in nature, from advertising to music videos to the way girls dress out in public, right down to the pictures they post of themselves on Instagram, which are as soft-core pornographic and borderline smut as it gets these days. Boy, the lengths you’ve got to go nowadays to get attention. Conspicuous, ain’t it?
Porn itself has become harder-edged than ever before, with revenge porn, all manner of fetish porn, and emotionless fucking taking center stage. A lot of it might be arousing, but hell, it’s ain’t even sex. It’s an aberration of sex and it doesn’t take a psychologist to understand that it has absolutely nothing to do with love, nor the original purpose of sex, which I’ll get into in just a minute.
As a result of this overt sexuality running rampant nowadays, our dopamine stores are sorely vexed and running on damn near empty. We have troubles getting off, as a society.
Yet, everyone wants sex. All the time, seemingly, if you can deduce anything from peoples’ talk and online behavior. It’s almost manic in nature, the way people laud on about sex. Of course, the window dressing promises you something entirely different than the stark reality that lies beneath all of this bullshit and it’s high time we woke up and smelled the house burning.
Superimposed is the image of sexuality these days, looking vibrant and abundant. It seems everyone’s getting a piece of the action. Reality, however, couldn’t be any further from the truth.
Starving At The Sex Buffet
At the same time that this over-influx of sexuality is taking over like the plague, relationships are languishing far and wide from the lack of intimacy and nil sexual intercourse between actual couples. This has been well-documented all across the board in recent years by everyone from family counselors to sex therapists to psychologists. Statistically, it is shown in study after study, that couples are having less sex than every before right now.
For men, porn has largely taken hold of their imagination, dulling the libidinous blade considerably and sabotaging their dopamine tanks, which are essential (and to be rationed) as a trigger for sexual stimulus response. As a side-note, this is probably why the frequency of sex teeters off to two or three times a week for most married couples, but that amount generally doesn’t present a problem to those in long-term relationships.
Granted, cellphones, tablets, laptops, and iPads play a huge part in this aforementioned emotional detachment, which sees both parties in the relationship being swept away mentally into alternate realities and useless brain clutter in the form of inane entertainment and facetious “news” that are as quickly forgotten as they are ingested. People are way too mentally engaged with what may as well be deemed white noise (which, for those of you who are too young to know, was the static white screen of fuzz from old school TV sets when the channel didn’t show) and everyone is paying a huge price for this. Yet, the majority are so numbed by their chosen tech drug, that they don’t even recognize — nor are willing to accept — this utterly tripe reality of the way things truly are these days.
And so we come to the area of casual sex, which seems to be the most sought-after kind of actual sex on the market today. Easy flings, no attachments. Getting laid is the top priority, superceding everything else. Superficiality to the umpteenth degree and the age of Tinder. Just the quick release, because real attachment is way too scary and requires far too much work. We want easy lays these days.
Since everyone wants to get laid, what’s so wrong with casual sex, then? Let’s break it down.
The Law Of Diminishing Returns
First of all, the proof is already in the pudding: nothing sticks anymore. You don’t have to look any further than the writing on the wall. Stick a piece of tape enough times on any surface of your choosing, pull it off, repeat said process until the glue wears off and all you have left is a useless, used piece of tape, ready to be thrown away. And yeah, statistics show that there are more broken marriages, fleeting romances, single parents, and disenchanted singles today that at any recordable point prior. This is already a social epidemic.
The arguments to get into a serious relationship aren’t there, due to the superficial values that people hold these days. In that light, it’s no surprise that the fish aren’t taking the bait. What is there to win? What is there to be had? If I give something up (read: a part of my personal freedom to be with you), what do I gain (read: how will you contribute to make my life better)?
Well, the only thing to be had is quick, casual sex, after which you get the hell out of there, and trust me, that shit gets old fast. Motörhead had it right when Lemmy sang sometimes the chase is better than the catch. Once you pop the cork, the anticipation is done. The thrill of the kill is over. That thrill, folks, is a one-time occurrence with every single new catch.
Were there key arguments to sticking around, a whole lot of men and women would be forming lasting, healthy relationships after one night stands and casual flings. Point blank, that is the truth.
Yet, it doesn’t happen. And it’s obvious why: neither party have bothered to invest their time into seeing whether there is anything worth of value underneath the initially attractive surface.
It’s called window dressing, folks. It’s the icing on the cake, not the substance underneath. The base could just as well be made of dog shit and people would eat it anyway, based on appearances (read: the outer core). We’ve become so goddamned hedonistic and lazy that we may as well just lie in the bed that we’ve made for ourselves, but that ain’t the formula for happiness or contentment.
The Key My Father Taught Me
My father is a wise man and I was lucky enough to get a good degree of mentoring from him about life as I was growing up. As a preacher amongst small, immigrant communities in Canada in the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, Dad counselled many newly married or otherwise married couples as part of his pastoral job. There’s something that my father said to me one day, back when I was a young man: ”Son, don’t get intimately involved with a woman too early. It messes up her emotional radar.”
What my father implied was that becoming sexually involved too early with a girl fogs the mind and you don’t end up making calculated, wise decisions or discernments about the person, nor do you see them in the light of reality as they truly are. I would argue that this works both ways. You don’t know whether the other person is capable of negotiation, compromise or if they even want to do the job that would be required of them from your point of need in a possible serious relationship. You end up in a dreamworld of self-fabricated ideals and expectations, because your emotions are running the show and euphoria is high.
Why is this? Because you simply cannot touch another person more intimately, than through the act of sex. And this act, in and of itself, especially when it’s new, clouds one’s rational judgement.
Whether we want to admit it or not, sex goes deeper than the skin. It touches the spirit. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be so wounded and devastated after break-ups. It’s a 3D experience: it messes with the mind, it touches the spirit and it is a bodily, physical interaction. Mind, body, spirit — get it?
Therefore, it’s simply foolhardy to become intimate with someone you hardly even know. There’s no foundation of trust, no familiarity, no depth whatsoever. Yet, you end up going to the deepest part of another, touching their most intimate inner person, without even knowing them.
Oh, I know that as a strapping young lad, many hate to hear this. The truth is rarely convenient for any of us. No apologies, guys. I am only sharing what life has taught me as I look back here in my mid-40s. Yeah, in hindsight, my dad was right. Even I could have played my cards smarter back in the day. But yeah, I had to learn these things the hard way, too.
We’ve been brainwashed to be slaves to our own desires, which we have allowed to run rampant and lead us. Back in the day, before the mass social engineering of “free love,” our modern sexual conundrum would have been seen as madness. Of course, people throughout the ages have been promiscuous. Still, it was more of a hush-hush thing, something done under the cover of night, something done in secret (with the exception of openly garish times like the fall of Ancient Rome and such, which led its peoples’ to quick and imminent demise). Never before has it been so blatantly promoted and glorified as it is nowadays.
But hey, times change. Even though, on the inside, people don’t.
Custom Ordering Yourself A World Of Problems
Casual sex creates problems for you personally. How?
Well, let’s say you’ve had the best sex of your life with a certain girl. Let’s say she did all of the hot and nasty stuff that you like. Let’s say your mind imploded and she left you wondering, “Can it ever get better than this?”
Then, let’s fast-forward to your break-up with this special girl. Things just didn’t work out between the two of you. She was headed east, whereas you were headed west. You both wanted different things from life. Her values system was completely different than yours, and there was no way you could have ever survived as a cohesive, harmonious couple. Yet, you had the best sex of your life with her. Guess what, buddy?
You’re going to find yourself languishing in Wax Nostalgic Land for years to come, just wishing that the girl you are now with is somehow going to find a way to give you the kind of ride that your ex did. Of course, this is damn near impossible, since there are so many other factors at play.
Like comedian Chris Rock so aptly stated in one of his stand-ups: ”Men cannot go backward sexually.” You’ve got all of the little idiosyncrasies that make up each individual person (read: everyone is unique) and moment, and you simply cannot duplicate those. It’s like magic: it only shows up once. If you fail to grab on to it when it’s there, too bad for you. You’ve blown your chance. Move on, because it’ll never come back the same way again.
Living with the mental burden of lying in wait for that next equally hot lay as the best you ever had does no favors to you as a man. Read that line again and stop to think about it.
A lot of guys get trapped on the thrill of the kill train, finding themselves ever after a new lay in order to feel the high of conquering a woman again and again. The dopamine high requires, as it were, this sacrifice, as without this constant pursuit, life would be so much more colorless and boring. This endless cycle, however, is devastating to the man’s spirit and absolutely desensitizes his mind. It’s called becoming jaded. Add to that a few STD’s and you have yourself quite a cocktail of unhappiness.
Of course, there is always the flipside of the coin. If you don’t experiment and play the field, taste the flavors and indulge in your curiosities, you may end up haunted by the things that never were. Yet, even part of that is social engineering. We’ve been taught by our culture to be this way, to want to ride the carousel. It’s been pounded into our heads that men want to sow their seed as far and wide as possible and monogamy was never in cards for us, especially as the males of the species. Believe what you want. You will always know the tree by the fruit that it bears.
I remember reading an article way back in my early 20s from either Playboy or Penthouse magazine, interviewing five or six random women about the best sex that they ever had. Only one girl said that the only man she ever had was the man she married, her husband, and she has never had bad sex in her life. Wow! What a testimonial! Just think of how lucky that girl was, with no other person to compare her husband to. She was completely satisfied with the man she was with.
How many people today could state the same thing? How many people would give anything to be in this girl’s shoes?
Oh yeah, and whoever her husband is, he should count himself truly blessed and lucky. I am sure there are countless men today who would give their left nut to hear the same thing from the woman they are now with.
Casual Sex Dulls Your Ability To Bond
Ah, the unpopular truth, once again rearing its unwanted head! We all could have been smarter, fellas. We all could have implemented more caution, critical gaming eye and common sense. Instead, we let our lust do the talking and then, like a dog on a leash, our lust led the way and did the walking for us, too. And we’ve only got ourselves to blame. We let go of the reins.
Anyone remember the movie Grease (1978), with Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta? Sociologists and the like have deemed that this movie was the pivotal turning point in steering the American (read: Western) youth down the road of eroded morality (read: casual sex).
In that movie, Olivia Newton-John’s character Sandy falls hard for bad boy Danny, played by Travolta. To appease and please her bad boy boyfriend, Sandy starts to smoke and have casual sex with him, as if that were a way for girls to hook and keep the men they wish to have in their lives.
This film was a huge, smash hit when it came out (and remains an all-time Hollywood classic to this day), and it caused a social shift in the underlying consciousness of the youth of its day. That generation spawned the next generation and you can do the rest of the math, seeing where we find ourselves in the here and now.
But, unlike in the movies, in life the bad boy and the good girl rarely, if ever, make for a doable, stable couple. The same goes for the stripper and the preacher’s son, a close call that I avoided by the grace of God Almighty back in the mid-’90s. This is because one’s values dictate who they are and how they behave. A clash of values will have you at constant war with one another. Just like Simon Sinek ascribes: People don’t buy what you sell, they buy what you believe.
The Purpose And Role Of Sex In A Relationship
Maybe one of the least asked questions is: what is the actual, natural role of sex outside of procreation? Yet, this is an integral and all-important question, and the answer is really quite simple and exclusive.
If you break it down, sex is a bonding experience between a man and a woman. It unites the couple. It is perhaps the highest form of intimacy to be had. At the very least, it’s the most tangible.
Sex is meant to bring a man and woman together and strengthen their bond to one another. Take a couple who aren’t having sex, and you can see a whole slew of problems arise. Granted, it can be well argued and seen that sex is a reflection of how a relationship is actually doing otherwise.
While sex is something that you spend an considerably short amount of time engaged in, its significance is monumental to the health of any said marriage or intergender love relationship. And since sex is a bonding experience that we cannot discount or nullify, it is madness to think that being sexually intimate with a large number of prospects or flings would make you more of a man, a better person, more fulfilled or stronger or better to any degree. Being a busy Cassanova doesn’t make you an alpha; strength of character does.
So first and foremost, outside of procreation, it can be firmly seen that sex is a bonding experience. After that, you can sprinkle in the pleasure, the release, the kicks, the high and what have you. But be smart: recognize the foundation and trunk before just chopping off branches for your own immediate personal pleasure.
Remedy The Malady
Once again, don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking from up on a high horse here. I like a nice pair of tits and ass as much as the next guy. But, like ice cream, just because I like doesn’t mean that I should freely indulge. You’ve got to know what it’s going to cost you. Ice cream has a shitload of calories that you will have to jog your ass off to get rid of, if you don’t want to get fat, just as fucking any random hot girl that you meet will cost you on the aforementioned personal levels that we’ve gone through here. Simply, it just isn’t worth it, no matter how tempting the prospect of casual sex is.
Your stock as a man should not be hingent upon your sexual validity in terms of nailing any hot chick that you desire. You should know who you are as a man, and you should know your internal stock. You should not be so weak and vain, that you need another sexual conquest to validate your manliness, masculinity, masculine fortitude or power in general.
Just like with everything else in life, true value and power comes from within. Its about knowing who you are, knowing your true strength and respecting and honing your personal, strong qualities. Only after waking up from the dream state that you otherwise would wish to remain in, will you be able to understand this, as Anthony De Mello so eloquently and bluntly pictured it in his fantastic book Awareness.
Yeah, I know this puts you between a rock and hard place, but that’s life. Choose your hard. We all need a war to win, a battle to fight. Stop settling for sloppy seconds.
And step one in getting off of this self-defeating pussy carousel of casual sex is to orient yourself in finding a quality girl that is worth her stock, whom you can honestly marry and make a keeper. If you aren’t having luck finding her, start asking the right questions. Get serious. Don’t waste any more of your life. Start making the right choices now for a better personal tomorrow.