There’s a famous quote from infamous early PUA Mystery that goes ‘the game is played in comfort.’ Unfortunately a great many of us—myself included—nod sagely when we hear this, only to forget about it in the field where we concentrate entirely on attraction. This is a mistake, for if you don’t take steps to build sufficient comfort with the girl you are interested in then the likelihood is you will lose her.
The issue is this: pumping attraction is addictive, so addictive that even over a decade after having discovered how to do it many players still delight in their ability to get a woman they’ve just met excited and turned on.
Girls enjoy it too. You can tell by the way they laugh and smile and flush and play with their hair that they’re digging your playboy vibe. And why wouldn’t they? After all, you’re being flirty and sexual—unashamedly so—and you’re making her feel good. What’s not to like? But there’s a big difference between you building those fun, fizzy feelings up in her and her actually wanting to go all the way and have sex with you.
I’ve lost so many girls through not establishing sufficient comfort that I can’t even begin to count them. In my view this happens for several reasons, but chiefly if you’re all pull and no comfort then you come off as a player with no substance or, even worse, a horny desperado.
Of course, there is also the counter-risk that you create too much comfort. Do this too early on in the interaction and you risk being friendzoned. Do it too late—once you’re already dating—and you risk getting dumped.
As with most other things in life, balance is everything. So with that being said, what are the best ways to create comfort with a new girl that will give you the best chance of sealing the deal
1. Hand holding
Yes, you should touch her early and then frequently when you first meet (kino). No, that does not mean you grab her ass or tits just after the intro. Instead, you should concentrate on non-invasive, ‘safe’ touching that nevertheless establishes a physical connection between the two of you.
A great way to achieve this is through hand holding. On Thursday I took a girl called Mariella for a drink. Almost as soon as we sat down in the lounge I took her hand in mine and stroked her fingers gently. She made no attempt to take it away. It established a nice feeling of easy intimacy between us without crossing the boundary into ‘creepiness’.
Hand holding is great since it’s easy to initiate and it moves on the physicality between you without being invasive. In this way it also builds comfort.
2. Dropping ‘Gaminess’
The other thing you should make an effort to do is to drop all sense of ‘gaminess’ from your demeanor.
It’s a mistake I’ve made many times in the past myself, but there’s no point in continuing with all those cocky-funny lines you were using to first pick her up.
You use that kind of chat in the initial stages to show that you are not a chode and that you have edge. But by the time she’s hooked—i.e. shown reciprocal interest in you—then you need to drop all of that crap (for the most part) and act like a normal human being instead.
If you keep up trying to be funny and busting her balls while generally acting like a noughties PUA on amphetamines then you will not do yourself any favours.
Instead, drop all of that for a while and chill. You need her to understand that you are a three dimensional person, not a caricature, for only then will she consider getting intimate with you.
3. Moving Her To Different Venues
This is old-school PUA advice, game 101. The bounce. If you want it to seem like you’ve known one another for longer than you actually have then you need to move her around.
Resist the temptation to stay in the same place for the whole date. You need to break things up. You need to move. Why? Simply because it will create an illusion that you’ve known one another for longer. The more places you visit together, the more intimate your bond will seem.
4. Giving Her Space When You First Get Back To Your Apartment
Resist the temptation to jump on her immediately get her back to your place (unless of course things are so ‘on’ that not to do so would obviously set you back). Instead, give her space. What I normally do it show her into the sitting room and let her sit down while I go to fix drinks, sort out my room (if required) and any other chores that need doing that will keep me out of the way for a few moments.
Giving space like this is incredibly powerful since it builds trust. If she’s coming to your place for the first time then, let’s be honest, she probably feels like she’s taken a risk of sorts. After all, you are a guy she doesn’t know well. Yes, you seem OK and she’s attracted—hence her accompanying you—but she doesn’t know for certain.
When you leave her to her own devices temporarily then she sees that she has the opportunity to leave at any time she wants. That’s huge. Also, you demonstrate that you are not a horny sex-fiend with nothing on his mind other than sealing the deal. Again, that is huge. After all, no girl wants to feel like she is solely there as a plaything, regardless of what the circumstances might be.
So next time you’re out with a girl and you find yourself running attraction material for too long then just calm down, relax and put the brakes on instead. Then try applying the comfort techniques I’ve outlined here. I guarantee that if you do so you’ll find the result more pleasing than if you fail to.
For a compilation of all Troy’s best game writing, advice and techniques from the last four years buy his new book How To Get Hot Girls Into Bed.