If you want to pick up hot girls, having charisma is crucial. A huge part of charisma is finding other people interesting enough to engage with them in a fun, albeit challenging manner. Guys who are natural players understand this instinctively. The rest of us have to learn it for ourselves.

The following query posted on the Seduction group on Reddit by a reader called Shit_My_Ex outlines his disappointment in the personalities of the girls that he meets through cold approach. I hope he won’t mind me quoting it verbatim here:

I have never been concerned whether I’m going to come across as boring or uninteresting, but I find most of the women I’m immediately physically attracted to I either don’t have much fundamentally in common with them or they severely lack a well rounded personality. Humor is one of the biggest turn on’s for me, I could be talking with a 10/10 stunner/ Neurosurgeon/ noble Laureate swim suit model…. But if her personality isn’t one that works with mime and we can’t whole heartedly laugh together… I just really don’t care. Obviously this a personal thing to me. But I wanted to know how often the rest of you legitimately like talking to the women you talk to.

I have heard this type of thing many times before from men and I’m not sure I buy it. It smacks a little of excuse-making. With all due respect to Mr Shit_My_Ex, I find it hard to believe that if a Victoria’s Secret model indicated that she wanted to sleep with him he would refuse on the grounds that she had a slightly impoverished sense of humour. It just doesn’t tally with male biological programming, which compels us to seek out sexual opportunities with young, physically attractive females.

I do accept however, that the poster might not want to enter into a relationship with a ‘boring or uninteresting’ girl. That is fair enough: neither would I. But here I believe he’s going about things the wrong way. As I have made clear many times before, in modern human courtship sex always comes first, the relationship second.

This isn’t some sort of misogynistic objectification of women but merely a fact. Sexual attraction is sparked, the guy and the girl go on a date or two (or maybe not if it’s a one-night stand) and they sleep together. It is only after that that the consideration of whether they should take things further arises.

I’m not saying that this is the way things should be, but it’s certainly the way things are. Most of us know from past experience that the other way—being a nice guy to ‘prove’ our compatibility with a particular girl in the hope that this will encourage her to have sex with us—doesn’t work. This is because sexual attraction cannot be negotiated. It is either present, visceral and all-consuming (and this can be influenced to some extent through game) or it isn’t.

I don’t mean to call out Mr Shit_My_Ex because, as I mentioned, I’ve heard comments of the kind he makes many times before from other guys. But I believe his attitude is a form of self-defence. On some level he doesn’t want to continue to expose himself to the (potential) cruelties of the sexual marketplace. Instead, he would rather absolve himself from the outset. By saying that most girls ‘severely lack a well rounded personality’ he is effectively stating that he is better than them. And if that’s the case then why should he bother approaching?

If you feel the same way then that’s fine—it’s entirely your prerogative. Give up on women, don’t approach and do something more productive with your time instead. Bu why then would you continue to read and post on a seduction message board? Mr Shit_My_Ex’s actions reveal a truth that his words conceal: he still wants to get laid.

Charisma

What is at the heart of this, in my view, is charisma. Here’s a working definition:

Charisma: Compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.

Fascinatingly, the dictionary goes on to state that, from the Greek, charisma indicates a divinely conferred power or talent. The etymology is as follows:

Mid 17th century (in sense 2): via ecclesiastical Latin from Greek kharisma, from kharis ‘favour, grace’.

So he who is charismatic has had ‘favour’ and ‘grace’ conferred on him divinely. In this context, charisma is something like a superpower.

Last weekend I visited my father and met up with two of my sisters. At one point my sisters commented on my dad’s charisma, marveling at how he knows and is friendly with bar and restaurant owners and staff all over town. And it’s true. Wherever I go with him, be it in London or Brighton where he lives, he befriends all kinds of people.

Watching him in action it’s easy to see how. He shows genuine interest in everyone he comes into contact with. He is warm, witty and charming. People are naturally drawn towards this and they open up to him and remember him afterwards.

To someone who is less able to do it, it might seem as though he has a ‘divinely conferred’ ability. But actually he is shy and somewhat introverted. But because he has learned to do the work—that is, be actively interested in others—he reaps social rewards. And the people that he interacts with become hugely more interesting because he makes them feel comfortable enough to reveal their personalities.

As a man who has been into game for many years, I love women (despite all those pesky intergender dynamics we all have to negotiate) and I can honestly say that I have rarely, if ever, approached one that I’ve considered boring.

That’s not to say that there haven’t been women I’ve been more compatible with than others. But I’ve dated all different kinds of girls from PhDs to shop assistants and I’ve found something interesting about them all.

Human beings are incredibly complex. All of us, from the least intelligent to the most articulate and well-educated, have enormously intricate inner lives. It is in the gift of the one approaching to draw out—through his charisma—the personality of the girl before him.

Remember, it has been said that in pickup the girl is your mirror. If you are looking in a lot of mirrors and finding what is reflected back to be uninteresting then perhaps there is some work to be done closer to home.

For a compilation of all Troy’s best game writing, advice and techniques from the last four years buy his new book How To Get Hot Girls Into Bed 

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