It’s tough to identify as a liberal. Just about every major news network shares your political viewpoints, your beliefs won’t get you ostracized or terminated from your employer, your rantings won’t get you mass unfriended on Facebook, and most university professors and your fellow students all “have your back”.
Seeing how everything is so stacked against the left, especially since neo-Hitler has infiltrated the White House and is going to bring back black slavery and exterminate Muslims any time now, what can they do to cope with this threatening and butthurt-inducing new world order?
As an offering of good grace and friendship to our misguided liberal cousins, here are six products which we highly recommend to help you survive the fallout of any triggering phenomena you bear witness in your day to day lives.
1. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butthurt!
The greatest fictional product for liberal butthurt that has ever been devised from the interwebs. If your ‘progressive’ friend has a sense of humor (which is becoming pretty rare nowadays) then the gift of laughter is a quick fix for emotional devastation.
Otherwise you risk being unfriended from all forms of social media. Shows just how “tolerant” they really are.
2. Professional Cuddling Service
Oh no! Did some fascist in a suit tell you to speak English instead of Spanish in the United States? How will you ever “heal” from this incredibly traumatic event!? Fortunately, there are now professional cuddling firms which are booming under the Trump Reich, and they are more than happy to help a liberal snowflake depart with their cash.
3. Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream
Ice cream is truly one of life’s great comfort foods. In fact, it would have made for a delicious and therapeutic treat for a left winger after the presidential election. You know, when that evil white supremacist Nazi, Donald Trump, beat
Hitlery Hillary Clinton and ushered in the Fourth Reich.
Since liberals tend to love ‘social justice’ causes, you should recommend they go purchase the overpriced brand of Ben & Jerry’s. The company was co-founded by Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, two (((super white guys))) who announced in May 2017 that their company would no longer serve two scoops of the same ice cream flavor in Australia.
Why? Because of the Australian government’s refusal to legalize same-sex marriage all across the country.
Nothing says “progress” like taking away the rights and personal choices of Australian consumers in order to protest against the form of marriage which facilitates childbirth! So have them fatten up on Benny’s and they’ll feel better in the spirit of social justice!
4. A New Trash Bin
Did Donald Trump / (Literally) Hitler get reelected? Did somebody give a speech which didn’t march lockstep with social justice? Did Return of Kings publish another article saying that women with tattoos and blue hair are less than absolutely perfect “Goddesses”?
If so, then be prepared for maximum fury being unleashed on trash bins. Picking them up and forcefully throwing them on the ground appears to be somewhat therapeutic for SJW’s.
5. The Sound Of Music
Nazi’s…. Nazi’s are everywhere nowadays! The biggest European villains of the 1930’s (after the Jewish-Soviet’s who orchestrated the Ukrainian Holodomor of course) seem to have resurfaced all over the United States, and are plotting to take away the rights of everybody who is not a heterosexual white male!
The best recommendation for them to cope with the resurrection of Nazi’s is to offer them a viewing of ‘The Sound Of Music‘. It’s probably the most G-rated of Nazi-era movies ever produced, which is important to remember since even words that liberals don’t like are now considered violence.
Have them retreat to their safe space where they can defeat “hate” via lots of “love” and singing and spinning around the Austrian Alps!
6. A(nother) Cat
This option is the most preferable for single and childless women over the age of 40, popularly known as “spinsters” and more pejoratively as potential “crazy cat ladies”. However, since this article is about expressing sympathy for the butthurt, we’ll just call them “strong independent women”.
Usually liberals, strong independent women tend to absolutely adore cats, and the older they get, the more they treat them like Pokemon to fill an increasingly bitter void for their lack of procreation. Gotta catch em’ all!
7. Adult Coloring Books
Adult coloring books have become a thing in the 2010’s. A sign of the increasing infantilization of Western adults who cannot seem to bear letting go of childhood pursuits. Since SJW’s pretty much are adult children, this will be a great sedative for their butthurt.
All manner of malls and supermarkets should be carrying them. So quit cryin’, get off Huffington Post, and color away.
An offering of laughter (if they can bear it), a paid cuddle, Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream, a trash bin to toss around, ‘The Sound Of Music’ DVD, lots of cats, and lots of adult coloring books. Put all of them together and you’ve got yourself the ultimate safe space to facilitate recovery from the cancer of liberal butthurt! It’s time for the snowflakes to go shopping and cast away their unbearable pain of dealing with reality.