I was out with one of my readers the other night, who had the good fortune of never really coming across an American woman in his life. But this month, he’s traveling through a few parts of Europe that are more dense (quite literally, in this case) with American women. And you know what he said to me?
I’ve only heard an American girl speak a few times in my life before this week, but now that I have heard them…I don’t understand. What the fuck is the nonsense that they are talking about, all the time?
I couldn’t help but laugh at his complete shock. I also couldn’t help but laugh in despair at the fact that I really didn’t have any answer for him. I guess that’s a perk when you live in a country too dangerous for your average female to venture into solo. After we’d said our goodbyes, I figured I’d sit down and write out a list of the most pointless conversations that American women most often have. Here’s what I came up with.
1. Food And Drinks
The next time you are out with more than one female at a restaurant, I dare you to count how many times you hear the words “yummy”, “so good”, “tasty”, “OMG”, “divine”, and, my personal favorite for outright stupidity, “delish”.
Honestly, over the course of a one-hour meal, it’s pretty common to hear these adjectives dropped at least 50 times. If you order fancy cocktails or an appetizer, or, heaven forbid—dessert—prepare to double the amount of descriptive words.
Of course, no girl can be a downer when out with her friends. You could feed them a steaming pile of local artisan dog shit at the local Asian joint and they’d still be ooh-ing and aah-ing about how divine the local canine turd is. It’s all about immersion, right?
It’s not even just those basic bitch adjectives—it’s how in detail they can talk nonsense about a food as if they’ve been a top chef at a Michelin 5-star restaurant.
Seriously, you don’t need to have a 15 minute conversation about your “craft burger.” It’s a piece of meat with lettuce, tomato, onions, and ketchup—the ketchup is one step above Heinz so therefore it can now be called “craft”. There’s a piece of bread around all of it, with some potatoes on the side. No, just because they sprinkled a little bit of Parmesan cheese on them does not make them “craft french fries”. End of discussion.
Even worse is the foodies who throw out all the nonsense terms. American girls have to always one-up each other (especially on Instagram), so they talk using fancy culinary terms—and they don’t know what any of them mean.
For extra fun, the next time you’re out with a girl and she brags about ordering an artisanal, rustic, curated, or farm-to-table dish, ask her to actually explain what it means. The look of panic upon her face will be priceless.
2. Reality TV
If you’ve ever worked in a female-friendly office, you know exactly what I mean. “Meetings” that end up being an hour-long recap of the recent Bachelorette episode, while no work actually gets done. It’s the equivalent of water cooler talk for men, except it goes on forever.
I guess that’s what happens when girls have nothing to live for except careers that they hate. It’s what happens when they forego marriage and motherhood in favorite of idolizing the latest slut to spread her legs for 3 different dudes in 3 nights.
3. Political Talk
If you haven’t learned by now, it’s pretty hopeless to have a worthwhile political discussion with an American girl. Foreign girls can be just as bad, but at least you don’t have to worry about them becoming outraged and triggered. You can have the discussion, but any and all logical points will instantly be cancelled out by feelings. Unfortunately, today’s world is dictating more and more than feelings are the basis for an argument instead of reality.
It’s funny, because even (some) guys who have opposite political beliefs than I can debate logically. Often times, we reach a point of mutual understanding within minutes. He learns that I don’t love everything about Trump, and I learn that he hated Hillary and just wanted some sort of middle ground.
Good luck reaching a mutual understanding on politics when debating an American girl. And yes, the conversations they have with each other are even more pointless. Rather than talking about pros versus cons, instead it becomes a huge orgy of good feelings. No one dares speak out of place in fear of upsetting the other hens, so the conversation just goes round and round, just like the craft burger speak.
As someone who has quite a fair bit of experience in the dating world, I’ve had plenty of girls approach me for advice about a specific situation in their dating lives. And how often do you think any of them have actually followed my advice? Never.
It’s not uncommon to hear girls talk about a specific thing a guy said or did, no matter how minuscule and insignificant it is, for hours on end. Never is anything actually done to move forward in the conversation—the same things are constantly rehashed, re-analyzed, and then the friend doing the listening makes the one complaining feel good. Granted, men are often guilty of the same thing—over-analyzing text messages or online dating conversations.
American women, however, take it to a whole other level. It used to be that that kind of gossip was left for sleepovers or private, in-home nights with a bottle of wine and friends. Now though, it’s fair game to shout out all the details (including the dirty details) in restaurants, on public transit, and anywhere else that they can share the story with the rest of the world.
A decent pair of noise-cancelling headphones is becoming an increasingly good investment when out in public. I’m thankful that the majority of my interactions and day-to-day life don’t involve any of this, but when I do hear it, I can’t help but cringe—because people like my reader, who have never been exposed to it, are dead on with their analysis.
And that is a lot of time being wasted out in the world.