You might think that the worst outcome when you approach a beautiful girl is that she rejects you. But that isn’t the worst thing at all. Even more perturbing is when she is attracted to you and agrees to a date, but then for whatever reason—she changes her mind, you mess up, or logistically things don’t come together—you don’t end up sleeping with her. I call these situations ‘near misses’. This article is about how to try to prevent them and what to do when one occurs.
There are different degrees of ‘near miss’. The most extreme is when you get a girl back to your place, she is naked on your bed and then she changes her mind about wanting sex with you and leaves. This phenomenon, sometimes called LMR (last minute resistance) is understandably confusing and frustrating when it happens. A more subtle form (and more common) form of ‘near miss’ is when you meet a girl who is clearly attracted to you, perhaps agreeing to a date and even making out with you, but who then changes her mind and won’t progress things further with you.
The latter happened to me recently. I met a hot Russian girl, blonde, very pretty with a petite but extremely curvy figure. She was definitely an 8.5 and possible a 9. The first time I saw her she gave me what is known as the ‘doggy dinner bowl look’: that is, she maintained prolonged eye contact with me, and her eyes were large and round and filled with desire. You can distinguish a real ‘doggy dinner bowl’ look easily from a more casual glance, since in the case of the former there will be a real sense that something of significance has passed between the two of you. It is an IOI on steroids.
It was pretty clear she was into me, so when the right moment presented itself to me I went over and chatted to her, getting her number quickly and easily. There followed some two-ing and fro-ing over Facebook Messenger, including some hugely flirtatious and sexual comments from her.
Then we went on the date. It didn’t go well. In a large part I think this was due to the fact that this girl, currently in early recovery for her excessive use of cocaine, wasn’t drinking alcohol. Now, as much of a pussy hound as I may be, I wasn’t going to encourage her to drink when it wasn’t good for her to do so. But the girl felt awkward. She told me it was the first time she’d been on a date with a guy sober.
For my part, I don’t think I did anything ‘wrong’ as such. I just did my usual date ‘thing’—cocky-funny banter, some comfort laced with verbal and physical escalation. I was on pretty good form and did my best to make the girl feel comfortable and to be fair the conversation flowed well.
Unexpectedly though, after only a short time, she said she had to go home. I tried a couple of things to change her mind, but when it was clear she’d made her mind up I sat back and watched her beautiful ass and the long gold hair that tickled it as she retreated to the subway.
I don’t expect I’ll ever see her again.
Now, shit happens and fortunately I have abundance, so after she’d left I simply called up another girl who’d come over from Hungary to hang out with me, and a few hours later I was banging her back at my apartment instead. But I won’t pretend that my failure with the Russian girl didn’t sting, especially as I texted her later and her reply didn’t suggest that I’d misread the situation.
How To Prevent A Near-Miss
Is it possible to stop something like this happening to you? There are certainly a few things you should bear in mind that can help.
The first is to say that it’s always a good idea to get to sex as quickly as possible after you meet a new girl. Why? Because the longer you leave it, the more time she has to mull everything over in her mind and the more likely she is to find some pretext on which to reject you. So had I met the Russian girl, she’d given me doggy dinner bowl eyes and we’d slept together that night then the whole scenario I’ve just described need never have taken place.
You see the difficulty is this: when you go on a ‘date’, even if it’s just a casual drink, then you are effectively putting yourself forward to be judged against whatever criteria happens to come up with. So while her hindbrain and body may be keen for sex with you; her forebrain, the part where intellectual decisions are made, may choose to reject you for any number of reasons.
In my experience, the biggest problems you’ll face will be due either to over- or under-escalation. For myself, I have been prone to over-escalation at times which has without a doubt lost me a bunch of lays.
Escalation is when you push the envelope sexually. Physical escalation is when you use touch to get her excited, verbal escalation is when you say sexy things to turn her on.
Here’s the bind. Too little escalation and she’ll think you’re not interested / not alpha enough / gay and she’ll consign you to the friendzone. Too much escalation and you risk overheating the whole thing and watching her walk away.
The latter has happened to me many times. I’ve had girls out on dates who have literally been all over me, making out. But if you don’t have sex that night as a result then you’re unlikely to see her again. This is because she will know that the next time you meet intercourse will be foremost on the agenda, and so the very act of her coming to meet you will feel slutty.
My best advice is to take a middle course. Without a doubt you must inject sexuality into the proceedings. You must present yourself as a sexual being verbally and you should use touch judiciously to introduce a sense of physical intimacy between you. Just don’t push it too far. Instead, hang back and allow her to be the predator too. Otherwise you risk jettisoning whatever fragile bond has been established between you.
What To Do If You Experience A ‘Near Miss’
If you experience a ‘near miss’ then you might find that it stings significantly more than a standard rejection. Why? Because you were in with a chance. You were in sight. You were faced with an open goal, you gave it your best shot and… you missed.
There is little that is more dispiriting for a man in the dating arena to fail to score with a girl who has shown clear signs of interest in him.
In this situation the first thing you must do is remember the old adage ‘you can’t lose what you never had.’ Because the truth is that you never actually ‘had’ her. Yes, perhaps she was interested, but you didn’t really lose anything.
If you can, you should try to congratulate yourself on the progress you did make, and resolve to learn from the experience rather than wallow in self-pity.
Another thing I find really helpful in such situations is to write down a detailed account of everything that took place. Not only will this help you analyse what went awry and learn for next time, you’ll also be amazed at just how much the practice will take the pain out of the situation and allow you to see if more clearly.
Another great tip is to speak to a close male friend about what happened. A good buddy will further help you to put things into perspective and you may even find yourself laughing about it.
Finally, you need to continue to approach other girls. This will open up new opportunities for you and, even more importantly, it will help you to see that the girl you ‘lost’ was just that, a girl. One of billions, in other words.
For a compilation of all Troy’s best game writing, advice and techniques from the last four years buy his new book How To Get Hot Girls Into Bed.