There is a paradox at the heart of game and it is this: in order to get really good with women a man must simultaneously foster a huge, unstoppable ego while also practising humility. How can this be the case and what should you do about it to improve your sex life?

The Need For Ego

We live in a world where increasingly, due to the rise of the internet and the dating apps, you are but a speck on most girls’ consciousnesses—if you’re lucky. Even in those dim, distant pre-web days this was the case to some extent, but in 2017 things are a lot worse.

Think about it like this. It is well-known that women are hypergamous in nature: that is, all things being equal they are attracted to men who are more powerful than them. She will seek to find, attract and have sex with the most powerful (read: alpha) man that she can. She will then stay with him (unless he pumps and dumps her) until another, even more powerful man comes along. Then she will dump the first guy’s ass in favour of the second, or at least cheat with him. This phenomenon is often called “branch-swinging.”

By the way, I make no judgement when I write this and bear no ill will towards women who do this. It just seems to be a common occurrence, not merely in my own experience but also in that of many thousands of other men. That being the case I don’t support anyone who takes against women as a result: rather, I think you should be aware of the probabilities and play them to your advantage.

Anyway, how can you break through this paradigm so that you are the guy who is reaping the rewards rather than getting played? Well, the first and most obvious thing to say is that you should improve your value so that you become the alpha with whom she is inclined to cheat. In order to do this you must sort out your finances so that you have more money, go to the gym to achieve bigger muscles, improve your looks by dressing better. And so on.

All well and good, and whatever you do I would most certainly advise that you attend to all of the above as a matter of course. However, here’s the thing: loads of guys have their money sorted and are better off than you. Loads of guys have bigger muscles. Loads of guys dress well and have better clothes. I could just tell you to ace it and beat them all at their own game but how realistic is that, really? And how much time would it take?

Attraction Is Intangible 

Look, the actual truth about game is that while all of those things help, we’ve all seen the douchebag skinny guy with no money walking out of the club with the hottest girl there (hell, I’ve even been that douchebag skinny guy!)

How does that happen?

It happens because attraction is intangible. Yes, external things like money, style and muscles help but real attraction is sparked somewhere else, somewhere beneath all of that, somewhere in the mass of subcommunications that are transmitted between a man and a woman when they interact. This is a deep concept and one that is not easy to get across in writing, so I’ll say it as simply and crudely as I can: women are most attracted to those men who think they are the shit and don’t give a fuck.

How, then, do you become one of those men? Simply, you must develop a huge ego.

When I look back on it now, the reason that I was successful with girls in my pre-game pickup days was simply that in my “party years” I had a huge ego that was entirely disproportionate to my actual value.

I remember clearly being in clubs chatting to girls and becoming genuinely surprised if they threw me over for a taller, better-looking guy (which sometimes happened, of course.) I really had no sense of my own value relative to others: I was deluded enough to be certain beyond all question that I was the best of the bunch.

As I say, this didn’t always end well. Of course, sometimes I would get passed over for the better-looking, richer guy. But more often than not I won out and go the girl. Why? Because if you believe in something strongly enough then other people will too. That is why a huge, delusional ego is one of the best attributes you can develop if you want to improve your game.

Today my ego is a little more in check and I am more aware of my shortcomings in comparison with the strengths of those around me. While my view of myself is more balanced and realistic today I can say unreservedly that this has done me little or no favours as far as my game is concerned. In fact, today I actually use affirmations and visualisations in an effort to positively distort my perception of my own worth.

As odd and egotistical a strategy as this might appear I can tell you with certainty that you will get more girls if you walk around thinking you are God’s gift to the world than you will being humble. Look, advertising works, marketing works, the power of suggestion works: a huge ego will ensure that you break through the noise and chatter and register on even the most jaded girl’s consciousness.

But You Need To Be Humble Too

The paradox, though, is this: you also need to be humble at the same time. Why? Because reality has an irritating way of asserting itself when you least expect it. While perception is perhaps 80% of any social transaction the truth is that hard reality is the other 20%.

If you walk around the club bossing it when your value is in fact subpar then the unfortunate truth is that you will get called out. You will get rejected. You will get girls giving you the “you’re not all that” speech. You will get thrown over for bigger, taller, hotter, and richer guys. It will happen. Because that’s just how life is.

But it is absolutely crucial that you don’t avoid social interactions, that you don’t avoid approaching girls in order to protect yourself from this. Reality will assert itself. When you approach the market with goods to sell (yourself, in this case, to hot girls) then the market will respond and in many cases it won’t be a favourable response. Many guys, seeking to avoid their own disproportionate assessment of themselves being savaged by some spoiled princess will avoid going out and approaching. Or they will post-rationalise. ‘She wasn’t that hot anyway.’ ‘I wouldn’t have gone with her even if she’d said yes.’ 

Don’t fall into that trap. On a baseline level you need to be humble enough to accept that you’re not going to win every time, you’re not going to get every girl. In fact, the likelihood is you’re going to get more “no”s than “yes”es. You need to accept that and keep going out anyway, keep putting yourself on the line, keep taking the punches.

On the other hand, your ego and self-belief also need to be resilient enough to withstand this battering. OK, so she turned you down. So what? There are a hundred other girls in this club and you’re hot stuff. Without a doubt one or more of them are going to agree with your own self-assessment.

It’s a tricky balance, having an ego and simultaneously bring humble. Not easy to pull off. But bear in mind that when it comes down to it game is really about diverse narratives—yours and hers. Often these narratives will conflict (you think you’re the shit, she disagrees) and sometimes they will align (you both think you’re the shit and so you have sex).

But in either case it’s worth remembering that there is no objective reality as such, only opinions. Ensuring that your narrative—your frame—-is the dominant one will see you win out more than you lose.

Want to find out more about how to get great at game? Check out Troy’s book The 7 Laws of Seduction and follow him on Twitter.

Read More: The One Girl You Absolutely Must Approach Every Day