A couple of people have reached out to me on Twitter this week asking how to get over one-itis. This is an evergreen topic that deserves serious attention so I decided that I should share my own personal method with you. Be warned though, this is a dark triad approach and not one for the faint-hearted, but if you follow the steps I outline you will undoubtedly free yourself from one-itis more quickly than you would be using any other strategy.
What Is One-itis?
First off, I should define one-itis for anyone who hasn’t come across the term. In essence, one-itis refers to a (blue pill) belief in ‘the one’—that one ‘special girl’ who is perfect above all others.
One-itis can strike in a variety of ways but typically a man will experience it for a woman with whom he is in a relationship (‘she’s the one—I can’t live without her’,) or worse, for a woman that he admires who does not reciprocate his feelings (‘she is so amazing—if only I could be with her then my life would be perfect and I would be complete as a human being’).
Both of these states are extremely damaging. The first because, in putting his girl on a pedestal, the man is ironically more likely to drive her away. The second is perhaps worse—by pedestalising a woman with whom he is not yet intimate (nor likely to be) the man simultaneously makes himself less attractive to his target while wasting his life in pursuit of something that will never materialise.
One-itis is the high watermark of ‘blue pill’ thinking and behaviour and is based in the purity fantasy. Men who believe that there are ‘good girls’ (virgins) and ‘bad girls’ (whores) are prone to it: underlying any one-itis is the notion that this particular girl is different from ‘all the rest’—that her innocence and good qualities make her literally irreplaceable and therefore essential to the guy’s happiness.
Of course, we know this to be illogical—good girls and bad girls are the same girls. The Madonna / Whore complex is a fantasy—that special snowflake who you believe is perfect likely fucked the local dealer at the pool party last summer. Girls are human beings and none of us are perfect. More importantly, with 7.4 billion people on the planet there is no ‘one’ either. The truth is that there are a great many women out there with whom you could form a successful relationship with (or have great sex with)—it’s merely a question of finding them.
The First Step
As with any addictive behaviour pattern, the first step should be admitting that you have a problem. In the case of one-itis, you need to get to a point where you admit to yourself that you actually have it.
By far the best way to accomplish this, in my experience, is to force the girl to stop sitting on the fence and tell you exactly where you stand. This is often easier said than done as she probably has a vested interest in you remaining in thrall to her—she likely gets validation from it, or security if you’re together. But trust me, if you sense that something is amiss and that she isn’t feeling you in the way that you’d like then very probably you are right.
if you are obsessed with a girl you haven’t slept with yet—maybe you’re friends, colleagues, classmates, or you’ve been dating but haven’t got to that stage yet, then what you need to do is sit her down, ask her very pointedly what is going on without allowing her to prevaricate or obfuscate. Say something like ‘I’m a man, you’re a woman—it’s only natural that I’m attracted to you. How do you feel about that?’
(By the way, I’m not recommending this form of directness as a ‘pick-up’ technique—quite the contrary. The whole point about game is that a flirtatious vibe should be introduced from the start so no ambiguity can exist. Whether it leads to sex or rejection, one of the benefits of game is that eradicates long, drawn-out grey area situations where one-itis can flourish. By burning through prospects quickly at least you know where you are.)
If it’s a girl you are dating, in a relationship with, or even married to, but you sense that something is amiss, then you must also find a way to force the issue so that she has no choice but to come clean. If, for example, you’re afraid she might be cheating, then you need to confront her about it in a no-bullshit way that encourages her to be honest.
Once you’re armed with the truth (however painful) then you are in a position to move onto the next phase. And that phase, as much as it may pain the more sensitive among you, is positive anger.
The Righteous Power of Positive Anger
Now, before I get a hail of abuse in the comments, I’m not recommending that you become a basement-dwelling misanthropist, bitter about the world, about women, or about any meta group or structure. No, what I am proposing is that you should get angry about the very profound insult that the individual woman in question has directed towards you.
Because when you think about it, what deeper or more personal insult is possible than a complete repudiation of you as a sexual being?
Look, she’s played you for a fool, OK? Face it. Either she strung you along in the friendzone, not bothering to disabuse you of the hope that one day ‘something might happen’ between the two of you. Or you were actually in a relationship with her, but now she has changed her mind about you and is no longer attracted, maybe fucking someone else into the bargain.
Now of course, no-one is saying that a woman doesn’t have the right to change her mind—she does. But you also have the right to choose whether or not to take the slight like a pussy or to use it as an impetus for getting out of a rut.
Now—and this is so important that I must emphasize it very strongly—I am not for one moment recommending that you take any direct action towards your one-itis as a result of this positive anger. To do so would at best look butthurt and at worst be criminal (depending on what you did). Instead, what I am suggesting is that as quickly as possible you skip through the denial stage of the grieving process and get to positive anger, for it is in anger that you will be most empowered and motivated to move on.
Positive anger is all about feeling the energy and motivation that your rage will naturally generate, without allowing it to take you to a negative place of despair and vengeance.
Cut All Contact
Once you are angry, the next stage is to entirely remove yourself from the girl’s life. You need to ghost. Immediately. As in, right now. That means no phone calls, no emails, Facebook messages, Snapchat convos, Instagram likes or any other form of contact.
Think about it like this—if it were possible for another man to inflict an equivalent slight on you, do you think for one minute you would have anything to do with him afterwards?
Of course you wouldn’t.
Now, cutting off contact can sometimes be hard, but it will be less so in this instance because you’re angry, remember? Use that anger as a motivator and, one day at a time, resolve to yourself that you will not, under any circumstances, give your one-itis the satisfaction of having you contact her. Because the smallest indication that you’re thinking of her, even a ‘like’ on social media, will reveal you as the thirsty beta chump that you are.
Far better to disappear. Far better to have her wonder about you rather than you about her. Not that you will see the fruits of your withdrawal, because you won’t have any contact with her. But you can be confident that she will be thinking about you, and perhaps wondering if she was a little too hasty in writing off your alpha potential.
Once contact is cut then you must immediately set about putting positive steps in place to improve your life. These will differ depending on the individual but I would recommend going to the gym or running daily, approaching new girls daily, working on a business or side project daily, and speaking with make friends daily. All of these things will make you feel better and improve your medium to long-term prospects.
So there you have it—smash your denial, get angry, cut all contact and take action. I’m not saying it will be easy—it won’t—but with a bit of positive anger as your spur you will find that you will get over your one-itis cravings a lot quicker than you’d expect.