There are a host of factors contributing to the perpetuation of blue pill mentalities. One of these is the pervasive myth regarding a gendered divide in the desire to commit. The myth goes something like this:
“Young women are looking for love. Men are dogs.”
This is a myth that seems widely accepted in mainstream society. Stories discussing any difficulties faced by females in the mating game usually seek to blame men first and foremost. Media regularly plays up the myth of the male as the uncommitted predator or the rowdy oaf without as much interest in romantic pairings as his female counterparts. Society has said that men are dogs, and many have accepted this.
The reality, of course, is quite a different story. Red Pill takers will have been quicker to realize this, but the past few years have finally started to see the mainstream media itself unearth this reality:
A new portrait of single Americans, drawn from a major new survey, suggests the attitudes and behaviors of today’s singles are quite unlike their counterparts just a few decades ago. Data show men are quicker to fall in love and more likely than women to want children: 54% of men say they have experienced love at first sight, compared with 44% of women; among singles without children under 18, more men (24%) than women (15%) say they want children.
And, across every age group, women want more independence than men in their relationships: 77% of women say having their personal space is “very important,” vs. 58% for men; 78% of women say the same about having their own interests and hobbies (vs. 64% for men). And 35% of women (vs. 23% of men) say regular nights out with the guys/girls are important.
Sara Barrett, 34, of Washington, says she and her women friends — both single and married — do talk about maintaining their individuality to make sure they don’t get “totally lost in their relationships.”
“The independence is really, really important to us,” she says, noting that the “girls’ night out” for a handful of friends is usually once a week.
“With some friends, it’s been an issue. They dated a guy who was clingier than they wanted.”
“I think men are more needy for a relationship than women,” says June Ashley, who married at 17 and was divorced after nine years. She remarried and was widowed after seven years.
Sherri Langburt of New York, founder of SingleEdition.com, a lifestyle website for singles, says she has noticed the changes in what men and women ask the site’s panel of experts.
“Men are writing us more about the emotional relationships than women. Women are writing us about the one-night stands,” Langburt says. “Women are (asking) if it’s OK — ‘Can I have a one-night stand?’ Men are writing, ‘I’m single and I’m lonely and want to find love and can’t admit it to anyone.’”
Romantic love is increasingly a notion bought into by young men first and foremost. Like Rollo Tomassi said, men are the true romantics. Despite the presence of pervasive myths that put romanticism in an almost exclusively female realm, the reality is that young men are falling in love faster and harder than young women are today.
What does all of this mean for your typical young guy in the modern dating scene? Basilransom, a young man who frequents Roosh’s forum and other destinations in the manosphere, summed up the reality perfectly in a comment over at Dalrock’s a while back:
When girls are attracted to me, they are often quick to peg me as a cheeky asshole, or whatever. And if I do anything to intimate I’m interested in anything more than sex, their disappointment is visceral, if subtle.
Women are extremely turned off by men who want any sort of relationship before they do. It’s the surest sign of being a loser in their eyes. Even for “good girls.” They strongly believe that quality men need to be pinned down and snared into a relationship. I don’t think young attractive women want exclusive LTRs with studs, at least initially.
Also, girls are so used to socializing in mixed groups that dates freak them out. The slightest prospect of a relationship and thus a loss of independence scares them. I’ve had many girls tell me they feel weird talking on the phone to a man. They live in perpetual fear of ‘awkwardness,’ and will do their best to avoid situations that might give rise to it. Intimacy prior to sex is impossible for them.
Maybe, after several bouts of sex, she will desire slightly more. She will ask that you stop banging other girls.
I would ask girls out on dates in college – not because I wanted to make them my girlfriend, but because I wanted to bang them. Because it made getting sex easier than if I had done the usual “let’s meet up together with our friends drunk Friday night” which is a logistical nightmare. And these dates would often consist of just a glass of wine in my room – not that I promised it’d be anything more. You couldn’t have a clearer way of saying “I just want to bang you,” but I could feel girls seeing me as less of a man for not trying to do what every other cool guy does, which is to haphazardly try to bang her drunk one night.
In short, the advice for young men is simple: DO LESS.
I’ve offered precisely that piece of advice before, and it remains true now. Independence is very important to young women today. The larger and more visible the investment you make in any girl, the greater a threat you will appear to her independence. The young, modern woman is increasingly likely to value that independence much more than she values your company, which means that you will be on the outs if you threaten it.
The script has flipped: young men are increasingly becoming the ones chasing commitment from women, and it is now the girls who are batting them away.
These realities must be internalized by young men when it comes to the young women they are pursuing:
1. They don’t want a provider (don’t act like one).
2. They don’t want your commitment (unless they’ve already offered you theirs, don’t give it to them).
3. They don’t want traditional dating (don’t give it to them).
4. Most of them aren’t all that excited about the idea of having a family or anything serious like that (make sure she doesn’t think that you are, especially early on).
This is where the importance of self-improvement as a focus for young men becomes abundantly clear. In a world where more commitment-oriented men are looked down upon, the man who has invested more heavily in himself is at a distinct advantage. As Basil noted above, you do not want to be the guy who pines for a relationship before the girl he is interested in does. When you have poured all of your effort into improving yourself financially, physically and spiritually, you will not have the time or the inclination to be that guy. You will be too busy working, exercising, learning and traveling to bother with that.
This, in turn, plays into another very important observation Basil made above: girls believe that quality men must be chased and pinned down. This means that if a girl ever did decide to compromise her independence to any degree for the sake of a man, it would be for what she would consider a “quality male”. Who is that quality male?
In all likelihood, he is a man who has interests of his own (e.g., business, exercise, travel, etc), invests heavily in them and probably doesn’t appear all that concerned about relationships. Neediness is a foreign concept to him.
In other words, he is the man who embodies the goals of any male looking into self-improvement. Women who generally value their independence very highly and shy away from commitment are likely to commit to… a man who values his independence very highly and might be inclined to shy away from or pay little mind to the idea of commitment. As you would expect from a reality so closely in line with classic theories of female hypergamy, only a small minority of men fit this bill. Your goal should be to become one of them.
These truths are difficult for a lot of men to accept. Many were raised to be precisely the man women now seek to distance themselves from. They were raised with images of more ‘traditional’ relationships in their heads (fueled in part by Disney and the rest of Hollywood), and told to get in touch with their feelings and be more open to expressing them. Many grow up and are shocked to learn that behaviors they considered ordinary and par for the romantic course now mark them as “clingy” and low value.
Difficult as it may be, change has come and these new realities are here to stay. Women want their independence. To this end, they are looking for an increasingly more independent, self-assured man. Become that man and give them what they want—nothing more, and nothing less. Adapt or die.
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