Who Is The Biggest Alpha Male On Game Of Thrones?

Sword fights, severed limbs, and doggy style sex are all trademarks of HBO’s latest flagship television series. In other words, it’s awesome.

Now in its third season, we have a good sense of the prominent characters, their values, and their histories. But who is the most masculine – the most alpha – in this giant power orgy?

The Players

Before I continue, yes I left out a few players such as Ned Stark, Littlefinger and Tywin Lannister. There’s millions of characters in the show and I’m tired. Get over it.

Tyrion Lannister

“I’m a monster, as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double.”

Alpha Characteristics: The ultimate conversationalist and a borderline genius. He consistently dominates everyone and makes them eat their own words. He also has a lot of sex. Much of which comes from whores that he puts down three at a time.

When push comes to shove in the largest battle of the show to date, he takes the place of the beta king and leads an army into battle – despite no combat experience.

Beta Characteristics: He’ a midget.

Grade: A

Jon Snow

“First lesson, stick em with the pointy end.”

Alpha Characteristics: He would´t even be in this conversation the first two seasons, but this bastard child has developed over time. A late bloomer if you will. Solid in combat and unafraid, despite numerous attempts to intimidate him.

Beta Characteristics: Just lost his virginity, although he dominated in his rookie appearance. Used to be a bitch.

Grade: C

Jamie Lannister

“Has anyone ever told you you’re as boring as you are ugly?”

Alpha Characteristics: A true asshole, but a funny, charming one. Also an amazing fighter. He pretty much doesn’t give a fuck and does what he wants.

Beta Characteristics: He bangs his sister and he stabbed a king in the back.

Grade: B

Stannis Baratheon

Alpha Characteristics: A cold blooded killer with no other desire than obtaining the crown. He sees everything a means to an end.

Beta Characteristics: He is borderline controlled by a woman.

Grade: C

Joffrey Baratheon

“You can’t talk to me like that.”

Alpha Characteristics: None.

Beta Characteristics: All of them.

Grade: F

Robb Stark

“I asked him, How can a man be brave if he’s afraid? That is the only time a man can be brave, he told me.”

Alpha Characteristics: Sticks to his principles regardless of the situation, ignores inconvenient conventions, and consistently takes bold actions despite opposition.

Beta Characteristics: None.

Grade: A

Sandor Clegane (“The Hound”)

“Fuck the water, bring me wine.”

Alpha Characteristics: A beast of a man who crushes in battle.

Beta Characteristics: Has little to no sex.

Grade: C

Khal Drogo

Alpha Characteristics: A silent barbarian king with badass fighting skills. He commands the utmost respect from a group of untamed, chaotic alphas. When one steps to him, he cuts his heart out. Don’t fuck with him.

Beta Characteristics: After rough sex consisting of little more than violent thrusting, his partner (see below) learns some tricks and begins to lead in the bedroom.

Grade: B

Daenerys Targaryen

“Dracarys.“

Alpha Characteristics: A sexy blonde who controls a barbarian army. Oh, and three dragons. Not to mention she takes zero shit from anybody, does what she wants, and emasculates seemingly alpha males on the regular.

Beta Characteristics: She’s a she.

Grade: A

The Winner

Based the grades above, it is obvious I believe the competition lies between Tyrion, Robb, and Daenerys. A hilarious midget, a bold king, and a powerful woman. Three distinct personalities, but all with larger than life presences that dominate whatever room they enter. However, I have to disqualify Daenerys based on gender. And Tyrion based on my minimum height requirement. So Robb Stark takes the cake.