Sword fights, severed limbs, and doggy style sex are all trademarks of HBO’s latest flagship television series. In other words, it’s awesome.

Now in its third season, we have a good sense of the prominent characters, their values, and their histories. But who is the most masculine – the most alpha – in this giant power orgy?

The Players

Before I continue, yes I left out a few players such as Ned Stark, Littlefinger and Tywin Lannister. There’s millions of characters in the show and I’m tired. Get over it.

Tyrion Lannister

tyrion lannister alpha

“I’m a monster, as well as a dwarf. You should charge me double.”

Alpha Characteristics: The ultimate conversationalist and a borderline genius. He consistently dominates everyone and makes them eat their own words. He also has a lot of sex. Much of which comes from whores that he puts down three at a time.

When push comes to shove in the largest battle of the show to date, he takes the place of the beta king and leads an army into battle – despite no combat experience.

Beta Characteristics: He’ a midget.

Grade: A

Jon Snow

john snow alpha

“First lesson, stick em with the pointy end.”

Alpha Characteristics: He would´t even be in this conversation the first two seasons, but this bastard child has developed over time. A late bloomer if you will. Solid in combat and unafraid, despite numerous attempts to intimidate him.

Beta Characteristics: Just lost his virginity, although he dominated in his rookie appearance. Used to be a bitch.

Grade: C

Jamie Lannister

jaime alpha

“Has anyone ever told you you’re as boring as you are ugly?”

Alpha Characteristics: A true asshole, but a funny, charming one. Also an amazing fighter. He pretty much doesn’t give a fuck and does what he wants.

Beta Characteristics: He bangs his sister and he stabbed a king in the back.

Grade: B

Stannis Baratheon

stannis alpha

Alpha Characteristics: A cold blooded killer with no other desire than obtaining the crown. He sees everything a means to an end.

Beta Characteristics: He is borderline controlled by a woman.

Grade: C

Joffrey Baratheon

joffrey beta

“You can’t talk to me like that.”

Alpha Characteristics: None.

Beta Characteristics: All of them.

Grade: F

Robb Stark

robb stark alpha

“I asked him, How can a man be brave if he’s afraid? That is the only time a man can be brave, he told me.”

Alpha Characteristics: Sticks to his principles regardless of the situation, ignores inconvenient conventions, and consistently takes bold actions despite opposition.

Beta Characteristics: None.

Grade: A

Sandor Clegane (“The Hound”)

The-Hound-in-Game-of-Thrones

“Fuck the water, bring me wine.”

Alpha Characteristics: A beast of a man who crushes in battle.

Beta Characteristics: Has little to no sex.

Grade: C

Khal Drogo

drogo alpha

Alpha Characteristics: A silent barbarian king with badass fighting skills. He commands the utmost respect from a group of untamed, chaotic alphas. When one steps to him, he cuts his heart out. Don’t fuck with him.

Beta Characteristics: After rough sex consisting of little more than violent thrusting, his partner (see below) learns some tricks and begins to lead in the bedroom.

Grade: B

Daenerys Targaryen

daenerys1-640x380

Dracarys.

Alpha Characteristics: A sexy blonde who controls a barbarian army. Oh, and three dragons. Not to mention she takes zero shit from anybody, does what she wants, and emasculates seemingly alpha males on the regular.

Beta Characteristics: She’s  a she.

Grade: A

The Winner

Based the grades above, it is obvious I believe the competition lies between Tyrion, Robb, and Daenerys. A hilarious midget, a bold king, and a powerful woman. Three distinct personalities, but all with larger than life presences that dominate whatever room they enter. However, I have to disqualify Daenerys based on gender. And Tyrion based on my minimum height requirement. So Robb Stark takes the cake.

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